Rant alert : The year I witnessed two cremations

This has not been a good year so far.. In fact I might go so far as to say that this has been the worst year of my life.. I’ve witnessed two deaths in my own home, didn’t get selected for any good college and had to take some pretty major and devastatingly painful decisions.

I guess this is a warning of sorts.. this is not going to be a happy post.

The first death I witnessed was my maternal grandmother’s. I’ll be lying if I say I had any sort of attachment or bond with her. But, anyway, I cared about her in a humanitarian sort of way. I must seem horrible but we didn’t have much interaction despite living in the same house. I dreaded having to witness her death. When she got sick, I was just praying that I don’t wanna be there to see her die. Of course I was very afraid, having never seen death before. But life is funny I guess.. cuz I was right there in the hospital, two steps away from her room, when she took her last breath, and I had to take care of my mom till dad got there. What happened after that changed me in ways I could never have imagined.

Since  my mother has no brothers or sisters, and I have no brother, I had to perform all the rituals. I can’t explain the scene that I saw, but I never imagined that the human body is so fragile until that very moment. The fire, which was uncomfortable to us, standing five feet away.. and a person was lying right in the middle of it.. The shabad “ikk ghadi vi kise nahi tainu rakhna, jadon tere swaas muk gaye” kept ringing in my ears. The person, my family was so desperately trying to save was burned mere hours after her demise..

Obviously, I slept very uneasily that night.. I suffered from nightmares and cold shivers, but finally the morning came..  But the morning held worst surprises.. turned out now I had to collect her bones from the pyre. I swear to god ki jitni tab fati naa.. aaj tak kabhi nahi fati hogi..

Anyway, the raakh was floated in a nearby river and the poojas were done and it was all over. I was normal in a couple of days.. more important decisions awaited.. my EEE result had come out and I got sidetracked…

Then, September came. The day we were all dreading had finally come.. my aunt (my father’s sister in law), whom we had lived with all our lives.. she was at the verge of death. Of course, it was inevitable.. and with 3 long years of fight with cancer behind her, I couldn’t help but feel in a tiny corner of my mind that it was her release, that she needed it. I came back home, saw her for the last time and the next morning she expired, after having been off the ventilator for a mere half an hour.

I witnessed scenes I had never imagined in my wildest dreams. My mom, my sister, my sister in law.. they weren’t crying… they were wailing, shouting..

I didn’t know what to do.. I was shocked, confused, sleep deprived. A few hours later, her cremation took place. I can never forget that scene. A body catching on fire.. 100s of doctors.. 100s of babaas.. millions of prayers and an end like this?

I stood in front of that pyre for a long time.. thinking hard..  and I couldn’t understand what we were doing.. and then it hit me.. it was all a show. it was all a show and we were all actors.. acting out for society, for each other and for ourselves. It was all closure.. mann ki tassalli. What does it matter to a dead person whether we applied the sindoor right or not.. whether the fruits were at the right place or not.. it was all for our own benefit.. to drive it in our minds.. that yes, she really is gone.. accept it and let her go.. I realized for the first time the things I really care about in life.. the people.. the work.. what I want.. what I need.. It all came as a wave of enlightenment and I absorbed it like a dry sponge. You may call me selfish.. but well that’s what you think!

We all came home.. I went to take a bath and came back to see everyone busy in talking and reminiscing..  but I don’t know why.. I was feeling very bad.. afraid I guess.. I didn’t wanna talk about it.. about her.. or anything related to her..

Tried to contact a friend.. another friend.. but I guess everyone’s busy in their own lives.. Mind you, I’m not blaming them.. just jo baat dimaag mein thi wo bol raha hun..

Anyway.. I guess I just wanted to get all this out.. cleanse my mind or something.. I don’t know.. So here I am.. writing.. cuz what else can I do?

I hope the times get better.. for my family.. and for me.. hell.. I’ve hardly got anything going for me.. but that’s another post… bye for now..

Hello again!

Hey you guys! I hope you haven’t forgotten me. Let me introduce myself again. It’s Perx, with my wierd little alias. I know I don’t post regularly, but I’ll try to be from now on. Ok, so i’ve got two tags and some news about Kota.

Well, as everyone knows that the conditions in Rajasthan, especially near Kota, aren’t pleasant. Terrorism is on the rise. Although there hasn’t been much violence in the city, you might find a case or two. Infact a boy was killed, in our street with a knife, but it was a late night incident and only few people know, even I got to know from somewhere else, and am not sure even if it’s true. There is some panga about the Gurjars. And the thing is that these guys have broken the rail tracks. So no courier or passengers can come in or go out. My new Sony Ericsson K950i is waiting to be sent in my old city. The mobile that I previouly had, a chines one, has totally stopped working, and I use Nokia 1200 until my parents can come to Kota with my phone. I think that they should just cancel reservation for all, no partiality would happen that way. But that’s a whole another topic.

The big news is that I’ve shifted to a new PG. Vipul is still in the older room. The place was good, but the only thing was I didn’t like the landlord and vice versa. The place where I now live, belongs to a retired couple, whose kids have jobs abroad. Actually my mom met the lady on the train, when my parents were going back. The fountain that she is, my mom was crying, and this lady also started crying. I guess, that developed a strange kind of bond between them. Anyway, the room is nice, but I feel a little lonely here. I mean I was living for a month and a half, being constantly surrounded by people, and suddenly, I am alone. I guess it will take some time getting used to being alone AGAIN.

The Bansal review test went very bad. I am in R8 right now and obviously, wanna go up. In subjective, I thought I’d get 15/20 in Maths, 40/50 in Chem and 40/50 in Physics. But guess what, I just got 12.5/50 in Maths, 19/50 in Physics and 17/50 in Chem. I am like totally depressed. But, I am hoping for good marks in objective test, atleast 75/150. I wanna atleast stay in R and not go into S. So, I’ve decided to work hard from now. Just today, I was thinking that the last month was like a dream, you know, like while watching “FRIENDS”, you think that one day, you would like to live like this too. And now is when the real struggle begins. Let’s see how it goes.

UPDATE: As I was writing this, the results got announced. I got 78 in objective and got Q6 which is a much higher batch. Now I’m happy. And BTW Vipul got P5, he was in Q2 earlier.

8 Things Me

I got the first tag from Sneezy Melon of “The Goofy Express“. I have to tell 8 random facts about me. I think it could take me a day to think those…..

1) I am Sikh. Yes, if you didn’t know, I am a Sikh. As much as I don’t want hair as long as a girl has, the Indian society is narrow minded. My parents won’t say no, if I insisted on getting my hair cut, but as long as I am dependent on them, I don’t want them to face embarrassment, so I’ll do that when I get independent. See, I don’t think you need long hair to be a Sikh. Just by going to the Gurudwara, or wearing a turban, keeping a beard, putting money in the golak and bending in front of the Guru Granth Sahib, you can’t be a real Sikh. I have not been to a Gurudwara in 2 years, I believe God is everywhere. I don’t put money in the golak, because that does not go to poor, but to the pockets of managers. I’d rather feed the poor. I don’t read the jabji sahib, cuz I think that God doesn’t need a particular language to be prayed in. I think that the one who respects the Holy book and practices the deeds given is more of a sikh than the one doing all the other things I said above. Sorry, I guess this topic needs a post of its own. Moving on…….

2) I was the Head boy of my school, the worst there ever was. I didn’t even wanna be the head boy in the first place. I didn’t think I deserved it, I even told my class teacher to pass on the title to that boy, but she said that the decision had been made. There decision turned out to be wrong for them, according to me…….

3) I have a weird habit of connecting myself with every great personality. I try to find similarities between us and then think that maybe I’m their re-incarnation. So far, I have considered myself to be a re-incarnation of Bhagat Singh, Einstein, Shakespeare, Gandhi, Walt Disney, Mozart, and many more….

4) I don’t like dogs, cats, even pups, horses or any other kind of animal or insect. You don’t know what’s going on in their heads, and they might hurt you at any time. So I hate them and am afraid of them.

5) I don’t like to fight. I mean I have fought with my sister many times, but my views have changed now. I think fights and wars are a problem in themself and not a solution to any problem, so I believe in forgiving and forgetting. But, mind you I’m afraid of getting beaten either.

6) I hate myself. Yes, I hate the way I look, the way I think, the way I talk. I wish I could change everything like through a computer program or something, like photoshop, where they even got previews.

7) I daydream, and that’s all I do. I think and make plans about the future and forget to study in the procedure. Whenever, I see something, like on TV, about a family or something, I start thinking about what I would do differently if it were my decision……I think u get the point. BTW, my biggest dream is being immortal.

Tag No. 2 (As stolen from Ish)

i am: ugly.
i think: constantly, about too many things at a time.
i know: that I’ll succeed if I try hard.
i want: to talk to my crush once, to know what it was that attracted me to her.
i have: dual personalities.
i wish: I could be a movie director.
i hate: studying.
i miss: my friends from my city.
i fear: death and ghosts.
i feel: confused, about life.
i hear: numbness, the sound of loneliness.
i smell: some socks which are unwashed.
i crave: for love, real pure love.
i search: my soul, my heart, trying to unravel it’s secrets.
i wonder: if I’ll ever be at peace.
i regret: having opted for non medical.
i love: watching movies.
i ache: for all the people who are doing what they don’t want to do.
i care: for my family, friends and some other people.
i always: look for the deeper meaning.
i am not: religious at all. I believe in Guru Nanak, Krishna, and Hanuman equally.
i believe: that I’ll go crazy one day.
i dance: to the tunes of fate.
i sing: along with listening to songs. People tend to spread away, when I start listening to songs.

I tag anyone who would like to do these tags.