#19 – Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear Someone that pesters my mind,

I am really glad that you pester my mind. I don’t know whether it’s good or bad as of now.. but I hope I get out of this a better person.

Yes, you are Oneitis no. 3.. what can I say? I can’t avoid these things.. it’s a part of who I am.. It’s a side effect of growing up in a girl-less social environment. I get hung up on people[especially girls :P]. But I guess it’s good in a way, cuz this way I have an inspiration.. something I can hope to achieve which makes me get off my lazy ass and do some work.. all in the hope that one day, I’ll be good enough for someone like you. Even though I know that as amazing as you are, you won’t be single or waiting.. but I guess it’s a satisfaction of being good enough.

Yeah, I’m needy.. and that maybe bad.. but I got no way to get over it right now.

I know I’m gonna be laughing about this a year, two or maybe even six months from now.. and you won’t ever get to know how I came to feel about you. But in a way, it’s still worth it.. cuz it’s a part of my growth as a person. I can still remember what a bumbling fool I was in 10th.. and not being able to talk to oneitis 2 killed me inside.. which made me stronger.. and muster up courage to at least talk to girls [can’t say i’m good at it though :P].

Anyway, have a good life.. hope we can be friends.

P.S. I just gotta share this with you.. I’ve been listening to this song non stop and I can’t get it out of my head.. it’s seriously awesome!

Yours hopefully…

P.P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

Addicted to Oneitis-II

So, here we are again…I was talking about my mental illness most commonly called “Oneitis”. So, I think it was after the second term of 10th class when I was hit by it again. I study Maths tutions since 9th class and go in the evening, but I had gone in the morning that day, and that’s when I saw her.

I arrived and sat at the seat in the back, as most seats were occupied. The front row had the tutor and some three more students sitting there, their face towards us. So I saw her sitting right next to Sir, and I thought she is pretty. Then I opened my books and started solving a sum, but my eyes went up again to catch a glimpse of her, I looked down, looked up. I just couldn’t concentrate on the sum, and my eyes would drift towards her. And she wasn’t that pretty, just a normal looking girl, but there was something about her which attracted my eyes towards hers like magnets. I just solved 2 sums that day in 2 hours, can you believe it? I couldn’t. And even when I came home, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I just kept picturing her in my mind. I grew eager to see her again. I saw her again the next morning, following the same pattern of peeping tom. That night I couldn’t sleep, and I kept thinking that I gotta ask her something, just talk to her a little, and I spent the whole night coming up with ideas. But, I wasn’t courageous enough. From then on, I went to tutions every morning, and told my parents that I had to skip school because the syllabus was over, and we didn’t do much in school and I had to start preparing for Pre-Boards. Although the syllabus was finished, but I don’t think it was time to get holidays to study, because we would have 15 days during Christmas holidays, after we came back from our trip(more about it later). I became more regular at tutions than ever before. But, I couldn’t talk to her because she used to sit right next to Sir, and I had a good image, and you know how it is considered here in India about boys being friends with girls out of the school. Also I found out that she was in 11th class, and 1 year older to me. But, after the crush on HD, it hardly mattered to me. I also found out that she studies in MGN school. I also took her picture with my mobile(obviously without letting anyone know).

I started to find ways to gather confidence or gain her attention. I stumbled upon David Angelo’s dating books, which encouraged me, but I was still learning. I also found out about “The Game” by Neil Strauss and love the ideas and the book.I also made a new friend at the tution who was in my class in my school, but I hadn’t really talked much to him in class. He became my best friend and I discussed with him about my crush. We are still best friends, and I sometimes tell him that we should thank her, because if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have become so good friends with him. I also told him about a dream I had about her(more about that later).

After a week, I started going to school again(had to), and came to the tutions in the evening, but I had a hope in my heart that I might see her. But, I didn’t. She just came once on the eve of my trip. By then, all my friends knew about my crush and it was openly discussed on the trip. I met many guys on my trip who I hadn’t talked to in the school, guys from other sections, other classes(9th only). I was pretty confident of myself when I came back and decided that I would talk to her no matter what happens.

But, when I returned I found out that she had left the tutions and she only used to come to clarify her doubts and studied tution somewhere else. I found out her name through a clever conversation with Sir, and told my friend who studies in the MGN to find out a little about her, and I got to know that she was already committed. But, I had lost my seriousness about her by then, and it didn’t bother me much and the feeling has slowly died down. Slowly I have immersed more and more into “The Game”, the art practiced by pick up artists, and now I refer to these crushes as oneitis.

It is something that you have when you don’t have exposure to many girls and you cling on to one. It can only be overcome by indulging yourself with a lot of other girls. But, I just ask myself sometimes, that there must be something about those girls. I could have been attracted to anyone, more beautiful than them, but I was attracted to them. I was attracted to the one playing Lizzie and not the one playing Miranda or Kate; I was hung up on an average looking girl and not much more beautiful ones. Why? I have no answer.

Addicted to Oneitis-I

Well, first let me explain what oneitis means. It means being hung up and obsessed of one girl, who you think you love and won’t be able to live if you don’t see them, but it’s actually a loser’s game. Yes, I admit it, I used to be a loser, and some of it is still with me.

So It all began when I was like 13 years old. Yeah, the good old days. So Disney Channel was new here in India, and I used to watch Lizzie Mcguire everyday. I think I started liking Lizzie’s character, but I was stupid, you know, so I thought I liked Hilary Duff. So, anyway, I started searching stuff about her on the internet and I was sure within a few days that I was in love with her(I hadn’t thought deeply about love then). When I found out that she was like 4 years elder to me, I was crushed, you know emotionally. But It took a back seat and I grew more and more obsessed about her. I even made a kundli match of us on a software. I also found about the word “crush” and knew that this was my first crush. Mind you, this was when no one in India had even noticed her, rather than now, when every other boy is crazy about her. So, anyway, I thought that it was a really big deal and thought that no one should know about it. The condition was this, that my 9th grade books were covered in different styled “HD” signs all over. I even developed a secret way to write english alphabets in a different way, so that I could write how I feel about her, and now my books were scribbled with “Hilary Duff” in those secret alphabets. I used to listen to songs for hours lying on the bed, and my eyes used to be wet often when I saw Lizzie Mcguire(Maybe it was because of constantly staring on the TV, maybe it was because of her). I downloaded lots of wallpapers of her and started daydreaming about how I’d meet her and all. I planned that I would start an animation company, HRK Walt, and one day, I would cast her as the actress. When I found out about Joel Madden(now her ex), I thought that I would even settle being in her good books, you know be one of her friends. I even once wore a pendant with her pic in there, and when my mother found it in my room, I said that the picture came with it, like in the frames.

But, as I grew up, I slowly found out that it wasn’t such a big deal, and I discussed about it with my best friend. He totally understood me. I also started getting to know more about sex, but I never really had any bad or vulgar thoughts about it, it was a pure crush I would never experience again. She was my dream girl. But, slowly I started controlling myself, decreasing my obsession, and becoming more normal. This action was also encouraged by a dream about her, which I would write about someday else. So, I started getting over her by the time I was in 10th grade(15 years old). But, if I get a chance I would even choose her if you would ask me to choose between her and the sexiest girl in the world and I still wanna be her friend if I ever become famous enough to know her. After that encounter, I was normal, it felt nice you know, watching other girls, spreading the net far and wide, and being a free butterfly. But, what did I know that the next blow was just around the corner……………………………….read the next post to find out.