I’ve thought long and hard about this.. God, can he/she/it exist  and if he does, then who is he?

I cannot, no matter what I do, cannot accept a God as a human entity… Yes, there may be a power beyond me but I just can’t convince myself.. I just think that there is a source of power, that never ending prime mover and universe just became what it did.. I don’t know how the rules developed, but they just did as they did.. I can’t understand why  a bigger entity would care what I eat or if I appease it or not is, or who I have sex with.

I have considered some other possibilities like that of the balance of good and bad forces and how they will always balance each other through re-incarnation.. I’ve imagined that there a limited no. of souls in the world, and the same get recycled.. and as humans are increasing, animals are decreasing.. but there is a problem with this theory.. like what about when life started? souls must have started from 1 and then slowly increased.. then how can we say that they are not increasing anymore, or that there even exists a soul which survives beyond death?

At this point I’d like to cite reference to a movie which gave a very profound thought to this.. I’m talking about “I, robot” in which a robot becomes self aware.. and I just can’t get that scene out of my head when he is about to be injected with nanobots and he wonders how death feels..

Does that mean that we are too some biochemical machines which are no more when switched off? that we just stop existing and there is nothing beyond or before? maybe we’ve been banished by a superior race of beings who developed us to serve them and we, too, became too self aware..

I like to imagine that we are all in a sims kind of game and some alien kids are controlling our lives.. wouldn’t that explain so many of our irrationalities? Isn’t that how our video game characters would feel if they became self aware? I mean think about how violent our world is and how we are all driven by a desire to acquire new things.. how we need to keep discovering new land to keep away from fighting with each other over the one we already have.. how we will move onto discover other planets when we have exhausted earth. The theory doesn’t seem so far off now, does it?

I remember, I read a book named “Sophie’s World” where Sophie is a character in a book a father is writing for her daughter, but we see the world from Sophie’s eyes and slowly realize that she is just a self aware character.. she just has an illusion of free will….

Maybe we are just a virus colony on a small part of the universe which lies on a stool of some insect of another dimension floating in the plumbing system we call our universe, around other dirt and shit we call stars and galaxies, lying around other pieces of shit, we call parallel universes….

I am also reminded of George Carlin, who said he doesn’t believe in or pray to God.. but he does worship the sun, mainly because he can see it, and he prays to his friend Joe Pesci, cuz he looks like he can get things done.. I’ll leave you with his rant on this matter, which as much funny as it is philosophical..

But for all said and done.. even of an all-powerful entity does exist, I don’t think we’ll ever get to know or imagine how he might be..


Why are we so afraid of death? Is it the fear of the unknown? I bet it is.

But, that begs the question that why we are afraid of the unknown. What is it that we are so afraid of that we want to elongate our lives at any cost? Why do want to continue living even if in the most miserable condition?.. even if we have lost the ability to enjoy it?

When we enter this world, everything is unknown to us. And yet we are more curious than afraid… as children I mean. When we go to a new country or town, we are excited about finding out new things, but ofcourse we could argue that we already know about some things which are common all over the world, like humanity, shame, sex, and so on.

So, what is it about growing up in this world that makes us afraid of the unknown? Do we get so accustomed to the world and the rules applied to it, that we cannot imagine to comprehend something that might be entirely different from here.. which is I guess why we have fabricated a heaven and hell, where the same rules apply as this world.

The reason I’m wondering about death is because a close relative of mine has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time, and the doctors predict that she may not live for very long.

I wonder what it must feel like to have a sword hanging on your head, slowly dipping down, and you can feel every time it passes near to your head. I always think that if I were to be told about my time of death, I would do something like the bucket list, i.e. make a list about everything I want to do in this world and then jot down my life history, uninteresting even though it may be. But I wonder, would I really be able to go through with it? and would it be really worth it? Would I finally feel satisfied on my death bed that I have completed everything I ever wanted to do? or would I still feel the need to stay on a little more..

Seems like I’m rambling on a little, so let’s bring this to a close with this wonderful quotation:

To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.

— Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

The first piece of fiction by me, but…… is it really fiction?

Ok, I know I haven’t posted in very long, but I was writing this story and it just took more time than I expected cause I wanted to be perfect….

Here’s my first fiction – be as ruthless with the review as you can… seriously 😉

It’s hard. Even though you know it’s coming towards you, and no matter how much you try to ignore it or deny it, the day is coming when she will no longer be with you. And standing here, right next to her body being placed inside the coffin, you realize that although you knew this was bound to happen soon, you just don’t accept it, you just can’t imagine your life without her. I look at her face for the last time as the lid is closed. I still remember the first time I saw her, the charm that she had even forced a shy boy like me to cross the room and ask her for a dance. The charm is lost now, replacing her face with a dull look…

This church, it’s the same that we got married in. The place was someday filled with laughter and celebration, and now the silence seems to be eating me inside out. It felt dark and cold, when it was the most bright place that day, on our wedding day. I still remember that kiss, that marked as the beginning of our journey together, a journey where I was left all alone now.
Everybody starts to leave as it draws to a close, but I stand there. I don’t think I am through yet. I start crying slowly getting down on my knees unaware that there are people behind me, watching me and I guess, pitying me…

“Tom…. Tom, come on let’s go buddy”

I start to get up, wiping my eyes, feeling someone’s hand on my shoulder…

“We all loved her……..”

Enclosed in a hug, my thoughts drift towards the past, all that I have left of her now, all that I can still hold on to. I remember how I fell in love with Emily. It wasn’t a moment of lightning or love at first sight. But, I still remember the moment when we were dancing together at our farewell party from college and I knew that she was the one…. It was the best night of my life. Watching her sleep next to me in the early hours of the morning, I remember her tender breathing and realizing how lucky I was to have her….

“No, I’m fine.. I can drive on my own.. Please! I want to be alone….”

This was the same car, yes, but I feel weird driving it without her by my side. I could still smell her in there and I remember……… those long drives and secluded hours with her, holding her hand on the way to the hospital, while she was panting and sweating, trying to draw in long breaths having contractions every few minutes… remember sitting silently next to her, while crying a river inside, on our way to the same hospital to get her cancer reports…. my breath stopping for that one moment when the doctor said sorry, remembe watching my future crumble right in front of my eyes, but still being quite trying to keep her positive…..

“Tom, she is sleeping in her room, do you want me to stay over?”

“No, really, thanx for all your help, Jen”

Sitting there on the living room couch now, with that whiskey going down my throat, burning my insides as I sipped, it all came back to me. Her face painted with sadness floated in front of me along with the last two years in a flash……

I remember sitting by her side when she was being prepared for her first surgery and praying for everything to be ok, fearing the side effects of the chemotherapy we had heard, and then seeing her health slowly declining as the chemotherapy went on, seeing all the side effects I had heard about in front of my eyes and that too, inflicting their cruelty on my Emily, but still saying positive and hoping that everything would be all right, that this would be the end of it….. And as the chemotherapy came to a close, feeling helpless, that we were doing nothing about it, that I could do nothing against it, just wait and pray that this was our final visit to the hosptial… feeling a little relieved day by day seeing her get a little fitter….

And feeling restless and worried when she got that pain in her shoulder, just a day before her last appointment…. feeling angry and lost when we were told that she had developed cancer again, but no, I couldn’t lose, I had to keep on the fight for ourselves, our daughter, our future, and I remember how I had carried a tearful Emily from the hospital to our home, without shedding a single tear… I couldn’t give up.

I felt like I was losing her while she was growing more depressed and weak, on the strong chemotherapy treatment she was undergoing… feeling helpless, nothing to be done while the one you love is slowly being taken away from you… I remember those sleepless nights, when listening to her crying, I gave her a hug and told her everything would be ok… but not really believing it myself… remember when she got more and more ill, the cancer having spread to other parts of her body, even growing anaemic and I couldn’t bear it to see her like that and wondered whether it would be better if she was free of all the pain at last…… remember accepting it at last and trying to make her last days memorable and happy…. and remember that last glint in her eyes when she finally surrendered to death…………..

I couldn’t take it anymore and finished the bottle of whisky in a final swig, hoping it might distract the pain… As I climbed the stairs, I found myself going towards my room. But, then I saw her, at the end of the flight of stairs, the door of her room ajar. I saw her sleeping peacefully in her cot with not a line of worry on her face, and I couldn’t help but think…

When the pain becomes unbearable, we try to cut the strings of our life, want to fall into the abyss, we try to surrender to the dark paths of sorrow, to end it all, but these strings have some other ends attached to them now, and these keep us from falling…. we have to try to get up and hold on to them, keep them strong, make a fresh start even if one escapes our grip……….

P.S. I want to dedicate this to all those single fathers all over the world who still have the courage to go on. They inspired me to write this story (some blogs of single fathers) and I want to thank them for sharing their story with us. I was gonna write another story about a hitman otherwise. Seriously guys, its much easier to just write about it, more than hell to go through with it.

P.S. It is also dedicated to my parents, cuz if they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be, so……

Eight Things…….

Well, I was reading a blog, and a post had been done by this person, about eight things he’s passionate about, and I thought that was really cool, so here goes my post:

Eight things I am passionate about

Okay let’s see;

1) Movies: Yes, Movies are my biggest passion. I like watching new movies everyday, but sadly my internet connection is slow and it takes me about 2 days to download one. I currently have a “to download” list of about 150 movies. I am so passionate about movies, that I wanna be a director.

2) Psychology: I like to understand how people’s minds work. I like to know why someone did something, and what inspired him to do so. I like to understand human nature, and keep reading my sister’s graduation course books of psychology. And I’m not blowing my trumpets, but I’m really good.

3) Science: I like Biology and Physics, because I like to know the mysterious ways in which nature works. I have always liked human biology, because I wanna know how my body works and reacts. It’s kind of related to my psychology passion. Physics, is total bliss. Einstein is my idol and I love studying quantum mechanics and the string theory.

4) Day Dreaming: I day dream a lot, and I mean a lot. I spend more time day dreaming than I spend studying. I dream about my future life, and ow I would like certain things in my life to be. I often react to things like…”I wouldn’t have done it like this, when I have kids, I’ll do it like that.”

5) Writing: Yes, I like writing, but not my homework, I despise that. But I squeeze out story ideas out of every situation or every tv show I watch, and I have a notepad file full of these ideas. I imagine real characters, so that I understand them. And until, I finish a novel, this blog is my let out.

6) Changing the world: Yes, I’ve always wanted to change the world. In fact, when I used to learn or hear about some important personality, I would immediately think, “When did he die? Maybe I’m his incarnation!”, And this has come with almost all personalities I’ve known about. I try to find similar traits between us and try to connect with him. But, even if I’m not an incarnation of a famous person, I’d like to make a difference in the human world and be famous now.

7) Money: I love money and the feeling that comes from having a lot of it. I want to be a multi billionaire, by hook or by crook. Hell, I’d even rob a bank, ok! I’m kidding, but I do want to be rich. I want me to be able to afford everything that I might want.

8 ) Life: Yes, I want to be immortal. I have always feared death and I never want to die. When I watched “The man from the earth” I thought maybe I’ll be like that, but I’ll only get to know when I’m thirty, but even if I’m not like that guy, I’d like to invent some medicine, which would change my DNA structure, so that I never die. I’ll never get tired of living.

Also, this isn’t my passion, but I’d like to remove the division of man into religious and skin color based groups. Every person is different and unique and his ideals and thoughts must not be trampled in the name of religion or that if they belong to the same color,” they must have a similar opinion” kind of thing, and also abolish reservation, cuz it just hurts unity.

Hey, tell me about your passions in the comments, if you’d like……