Haq Se Single

Today I feel single, truly single, I can’t tell after how many years.. and weirdly this feeling of singlehood also brings with it a feeling of wholeness. For example…

  • Finally feel like there’s nobody you’d rather be spending time with than yourself
  • You don’t keep checking your phone expecting someone’s text
  • You don’t keep avoiding your phone to avoid the disappointment staring back at you from the blank notification bar
  • You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you could have done
  • You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you can still do
  • You don’t feel like you’re missing out on the greatest show on earth, but you weren’t worthy enough for a ticket
  • You don’t keep thinking about the moments and talks you had
  • You don’t keep thinking about somebody’s cute nose, luscious hair, or weirdly attractive shoulder bones
  • You don’t keep checking WhatsApp or Instagram for the latest byte you’re missing
  • You don’t keep thinking about what you shouldn’t have said, or what you should’ve said instead
  • You don’t think what if……….

And that is the biggest reason for this ecstatic feeling of wholeness. Today, I’m not thinking what if. Today, I’m not feeling insecure about my choices. Today, I feel glad, that I’m able to see people objectively and understand the choices they made without feeling that a thousand questions are unanswered.

Today I’m secure.. nay, even thankful, about what happened, and what didn’t. It all turned out for the best.

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Aashiqui

Iss qadar kyun chahte hain tumhe koi ilm nahi humein

bass chahat ki har hadd kuch iss kadar paar kar jaeyin

dil se nahi rooh se kuch pukaar niklti hai yun

tumhe paakar bass tum mein khud hum simat jaayein

dil cheer kr dekh lo, kuch khabar nhi kyu aisa kuch ho rha hai

bass tumhare ikk chehre ko dekh kar mera yeh dil ro rha hai

kuch yun tumhe apne andar jazb kar paate gar mumkin hota

kuch haalaat alag hote yaa kuch hum insaan alag ho jayein

dil cheer kr dekh lo, tumhara naam likha hai har kone par,

bass ab thake baithe hain har kona iss dhabhe se harra kar jayein

humein kadar nhi unn sab ki jo hum par jaan lutaye baithe hain..

bass tum par aakar aisa kyu lagta hai k sabki jaan luta jayein

tumhari rooh ko chuh lein to shayad jannat ka rasta mile humein

tumhare rooh ko chuh lein to shayad jahanum ko alvida kar jayein..

ikk roz ye soch kr baithe the k aaj bhool jayeinge tumko

ikk roz ye soch kr baithe the k aaj bhool jayeinge tumko

fir socha kya maloom apni pehchaan ka tukda shikast kar jayein..

inn bahon ki bhookh to naa jaane kab se lekar baithe hain

inn bahon ki bhookh to naa jaane kab se lekar baithe hain

iss soch mein ab baithe hain k tere naam ko gumshuda kr jayein

teri jaan.. teri yaad k sadke.. ab iss hasti ko alvida kr jayein

Fanaa…

Anjaan hain dil k halaato se hum, ghumon ki surahi se khushi k jaam peete hain

Yu ulajh chuke the zindagi k dhaage, k tod kar hi sukoon sulajhne ki ummed karte hain)

Ikk aakhri dor atk rhi hai saanso ki, tut jaane ki dua kabool ho ye dua krte hain

Gir rhe hain andhere karmo ki gehrai mein, ab bass jahannum k darwaaze ke sahaare liya karte hain

 

Naa jane kab girne lagi fir ankhuli aankho par roshni, Ikk farishte ki tasveer si tatolte hain

Beshaq koi khel khel rhi hain ye ummed ki kirne, inn ankhon par bhale ab tak bharosa kar kiya karte hain

Saari umr lga kar nafrat k khazane kamaaye hain, kayi paak dilo par dhoke k daag lagaaye hain

Iss noor k aakhri deedar ki ijaazat yu farmaan hui, iss kismat par pakiza hone ka ilzaam ab lagate hain

Gar maut ki panah haasil kar chuke hain.. kisi ki dua k sadke hi jannat ki jhalak ka mazaa utha rahe hain

 

Purani yado ka bawandar kuch aisa panapne lga fakat, uska wo aakhri kalma hawayein gungunati hain

K kya fark hai batao meri chahat aur tumhaari mohobbat mein, jo farishte bewafaai ke ilzaam lgate hain

 

Kya kehte hum dil ka haal ye soch kar katrate the, fir bi sadaiyo se chupe raaz kuch yu sunate the

Tum chahat mein apne dil ki zidd ki hifaazat karte ho, hum mohobbat mein teri ruh ki ibaadat karte hain

Tum shayad hume paane ki beparwaa umeed karte ho, hum beparwaa anjaam tumse mohobbat karte hain

Ikk zindagi ka khayal bhar hai kisi benaam shayar ka, ikk zindagi ka sarmaya sa bayaan karti hai

 

Inn yaado ke nashe mein bass zindagi ko alvida kar dein, issi ummeed mein roshni se mu fer lete hain

Qayaamat tak le ske khuda ki har sza hass kar, iss manzar ko hum aankhon mein to ab yu kaid karte hain,

Jisse zindagi bnaya uske haatho maut ka taufa mila, iss tameel ka shukriya ada hum roz karte hain

Random thoughts of a kukoo heart

I had a horrible dream.. it was very sweet and enjoyable actually.. but it left me disturbed when I woke up, at the thought of my inner screwed up sense of love and relationship even if I’m outwardly very enlightened and intelligent about dealing with these matters now.. Anyway, I calmed myself by writing couplets and these are the choice couple out of half a dozen.. halfway decent I’d say 😛

Chahat ke bazaar mein roz ek nayi chahat se dil behlaate hain..

Mohobbat ke deewano ka yaha koi kaam nahi

Perhaps not self explanatory, cuz I had to actually explain it to the couple of people who read it.. here chah carries its literal meaning ‘want’. So what it’s trying to say is that the heart is a jitterbug.. chanchal you know.. it gets attracted to something new everyday.. it gets obsessed with something new everyday.. and it’s very selfish.. the heart wants what the heart wants.. and these wants change everyday as old attractions fade and new ones develop..

Mohobbat here refers to love, which is eternal, not limited to lovers, flowing in all directions, maybe more concentrated towards some people, but it’s not selfish.. it’s a positive feeling.. how can it be negative when there are no expectations.. there are expectations in relationships.. not in love.. it’s boundless..

Anyway.. here’s another one.. self explanatory

Shamaa ke bazaar mein parwaano ka sauda kar aye..

Iss khel ko yaaro hum uski chaukhat par khatm kar aye..

Boht laanat di dil k saudagro ne..

Hum dil k tukdo ka ikk aur taufa kubool kar aye

Flash of lightning

Sometimes when you’re trying so hard to create something, nothing materializes. But sometimes, you’re just driving a car, doing some chores and out of nowhere, inspiration strikes you like a flash of lightning, and words start pouring out like blood from a fresh wound..

Dil Ke Hazaaro tukde hain.. har tukde ke kuch kisse hain

Kuch naadani mein bhul gaye, kuch baimaani mein chod diye

Kuch tut gaye, kuch rondh diye, kuch humse thakk kar chooth gaye

Kuch humne bhi thukra diye.. kuch aate aate rooth gaye

jo hum tak wapas pohonch gaye, wo chuppi si mein doob gaye

Kuch meethe pal, kuch yaadein thi.. kuch addhoori mulakatein thi

Main Simat nahi sakta jo, kuch bikhri si wo baatein thi

Kuch narm hain, kuch sakht hain, kuch bebaak, kuch shiqast hain

Kuch kisse jinke shayad ab, dilon mein koi mol nahi

Ye tukde jinke shayad ab, zakhmon ka koi hisaab nahi

Kuch himmat karke aaj bhi, sochte hain badal denge inki taqdeer

kabhi jotde hain, kabhi todte hain, kabhi hasste haste rote hain

Another one….

Ok, I know tomorrow is my test and I am sitting here making a post at 2:30 in the morning, but when it strikes you, it’s better to get over with it, or the matter dilutes as I have come to learn.. Ok, here is my second story..(written while listening to Saawariya songs), it popped up in my head when I was browsing through BlueMists archives… Here it is:

His point of view:

I will definitely say it today, he thought, his brain not even keeping track of where his feet were going.

Ok, maybe not say “it”, no definitely not say “it”, I’ll just talk to her, be friends with her, but what to say?

He noticed that he had just reached the library. He walked over and sat at his usual spot, at the entrance of the room, where he could clearly see her.

Ok, what should I say, maybe i should ask her the time.. but damn, the library has a clock and I have one too. Man I am such a loser, two weeks it’s been, grow up man! Ok, first stop staring, yes concentrate on your books, now what should you say? Maybe you should ask her name, but why would she tell you? Ok…ok, how about her class, she studies here too, but why should she tell you, the question still remains asshole..

DON’T STARE AT HER!!, oh god you are too pathetic, you can’t even stop looking at her.. I am telling you, you are just obsessing, it was just what Steven said it was.. a one-itis. Ok, she is looking at me, this is a good sign. I hope. Ok, just ask her if she knows where the book is. What book? Any fucking book, do you care.. just break the ice.

Ok, I am going to do it, I’ll ask her where LOTR is. No, that’ll tell her I am a geek..heh. Ok, I’ll ak her about that Karl Marx book. Ok, I can do it.. just plain and easy..remember, be smooth!

He took a deep breath and started to walk towards her, but she got up and left and he just continued walking forward and stopped at the rack at the far end of the room.

Maybe tomorrow.. no, definitely tomorrow!

Her point of view:

Mmm..ok, so this equation..gosh, profs are so damn unfair, they don’t even explain things properly and we have to waste time in the library digging up theory…

After some time..

Oh no, that guy is back! He has been following me around for two weeks. Guys can be so weird sometimes.. I guess I should complain to someone, who knows what goes on in the minds of these ass holes. I mean just stop staring.. FREAK! Ok, good he’s noticed, now go on and leave me alone. OMG he’s coming towards me, I am not getting these equations anyway, I guess I should get out of here..

She stands up and walks out of the library sternly…

I don’t know what I am going to do about this guy.. Ok, I am going to tell my brother, he ought to straighten the idiot out.. but what am I gonna do about these equations.. better ask Jen if she can explain them to me…….

Comments are always welcome 🙂

So, what has been going on is…

Let me see, I wrote the last post about my life in July. Not much has been going on though, as nothing much happens in this dreaded town. Nevertheless, I would like to update you guys on what’s been going on with me a little…

Firstly, let me apologize, for I realized that ever since I have come here, surprisingly, I have been talking too much about girls and relationships. In fact I’d go as far as saying that I had become obsessed with these topics. But, as for my love of theories, I have come up with a theory for this too. You see, firstly, I just turned 16 and a fresh pang of hormones hit my body, and more importantly my environment changed. Of all the guys I know in Kota, 80% of them are in relationships(of course with girls). 10% don’t want to be in one, 5% are desperate to be in one but are afraid to do something and 5% want it but deny it, saying that their studies will be affected. The thing with humans is that we follow what the majority is doing. In fact some researchers have proved that of majority of people say that 2+2 is not equal to 4, most people would be ready to change their answer. The same applies here. When most guys I know, are in relationships, and happy being in them, my brain thinks that it is something to be pursued and will help me be happy, and it must be good for me because most of them are doing it. I don’t know whether it’s good for me or not, but I certainly think about girls more, and girls make constant appearances in my dreams(pleanty to catch up with there). Anyway, the point was that apologize to you guys and myself too, for having done that.

Well, moving on, after July came August. The test of August 3 went bad, and besides celebrating the independence day doing nothing, I also went home for 4 days in the middle of August. Catching up with not so old friends and having fun after quite a long time. Despite my sister’s big ego issues that I wasn’t giving that much attention to her, I managed to be happy for those days. But, no one was satified. Parents said we spent too much time with friends, friends said we spent too little time with them, we felt we didn’t get much time at home after so many months. All in all a fruitful trip :P. Oh, and Vipul(my ex-room partner) showed me the pictures of her “dearly beloved”. Have to say, not at all what I imagined. We also celebrated his birthday on the 25th, and I gifted him a frame for the photo of his “db”. See, how thoughtful of me? (Yes, I’m insecure).

Anyway, I also happened to check out that latest delighting news about the IITs that how the OBCs will now only need 50% of the marks gotten by last candidate of the general category who got in. Obviously, generals still have the same number of seats, but the thing is that the institute is being diluted, its credibilty will be lost by the time I pass out, I guess. I don’t understand why we still play the old dirty game of “divide and rule”? I guess Bhagat Singh was right in a way when he said that independence through congress would just replace the whites with the browns, poor will still suffer and they still do. We have 1/3rd of the poorest people of the world living in India. The day I read it, I made up half my mind to leave for home the very same day. But, then I thought that maybe I could get into a foreign institute, as they say that if you have prepared for IIT, you have prepared for all of ’em. Cuz seriously, I am done with Indians. More on that later I guess(Yes, I still have a lot left).

I’ve also joined a new private Maths tution here, because my luck so far with maths teachers at the institute has been bad. And the first day, I accidently attened a 12th class batch, but didn’t have the balls to say it after realizing that after the first ten minutes, so I sat there for an hour and a half drawing on my copy. I’ve been pretty sick the whole last week with cold and fever, and have been spending my days pretty much in bed, thus the inactivity in the blogosphere. That, and my lack of creativity for coming up with comments, but that’s not the point here. And as a result of spending most of my time in bed, I have been having more dreams, and pretty good ones, you know the ones which make you feel miserable when you wake up, because you realize that life in reality still sucks and nothing will change for the next two years. And the hangovers of these dreams have been even worse. Seriously, like the other day, I woke up from such a dream to read an sms from my friend as follows:

A true love happens only once in d life time,

If it fails,

Then remaining is just a compromise with the 1and with our life.

Sad but True!

To which, in my post waking up hang over of the dream, I replied:

Ha Ha… Sad? I’d say funny enough to stab myself in the heart with it.

Man, he must have thought I was a freak.

Anyway, I am ok now, and in full swing to clean up my room, my studies and my blogging habits and my life. Bye for now.