Haq Se Single

Today I feel single, truly single, I can’t tell after how many years.. and weirdly this feeling of singlehood also brings with it a feeling of wholeness. For example…

• Finally feel like there’s nobody you’d rather be spending time with than yourself
• You don’t keep checking your phone expecting someone’s text
• You don’t keep avoiding your phone to avoid the disappointment staring back at you from the blank notification bar
• You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you could have done
• You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you can still do
• You don’t feel like you’re missing out on the greatest show on earth, but you weren’t worthy enough for a ticket
• You don’t keep thinking about the moments and talks you had
• You don’t keep thinking about somebody’s cute nose, luscious hair, or weirdly attractive shoulder bones
• You don’t keep checking WhatsApp or Instagram for the latest byte you’re missing
• You don’t keep thinking about what you shouldn’t have said, or what you should’ve said instead
• You don’t think what if……….

And that is the biggest reason for this ecstatic feeling of wholeness. Today, I’m not thinking what if. Today, I’m not feeling insecure about my choices. Today, I feel glad, that I’m able to see people objectively and understand the choices they made without feeling that a thousand questions are unanswered.

Today I’m secure.. nay, even thankful, about what happened, and what didn’t. It all turned out for the best.

Aashiqui

Iss qadar kyun chahte hain tumhe koi ilm nahi humein

bass chahat ki har hadd kuch iss kadar paar kar jaeyin

dil se nahi rooh se kuch pukaar niklti hai yun

tumhe paakar bass tum mein khud hum simat jaayein

dil cheer kr dekh lo, kuch khabar nhi kyu aisa kuch ho rha hai

bass tumhare ikk chehre ko dekh kar mera yeh dil ro rha hai

kuch yun tumhe apne andar jazb kar paate gar mumkin hota

kuch haalaat alag hote yaa kuch hum insaan alag ho jayein

dil cheer kr dekh lo, tumhara naam likha hai har kone par,

bass ab thake baithe hain har kona iss dhabhe se harra kar jayein

humein kadar nhi unn sab ki jo hum par jaan lutaye baithe hain..

bass tum par aakar aisa kyu lagta hai k sabki jaan luta jayein

tumhari rooh ko chuh lein to shayad jannat ka rasta mile humein

tumhare rooh ko chuh lein to shayad jahanum ko alvida kar jayein..

ikk roz ye soch kr baithe the k aaj bhool jayeinge tumko

ikk roz ye soch kr baithe the k aaj bhool jayeinge tumko

fir socha kya maloom apni pehchaan ka tukda shikast kar jayein..

inn bahon ki bhookh to naa jaane kab se lekar baithe hain

inn bahon ki bhookh to naa jaane kab se lekar baithe hain

iss soch mein ab baithe hain k tere naam ko gumshuda kr jayein

teri jaan.. teri yaad k sadke.. ab iss hasti ko alvida kr jayein

Fanaa…

Anjaan hain dil k halaato se hum, ghumon ki surahi se khushi k jaam peete hain

Yu ulajh chuke the zindagi k dhaage, k tod kar hi sukoon sulajhne ki ummed karte hain)

Ikk aakhri dor atk rhi hai saanso ki, tut jaane ki dua kabool ho ye dua krte hain

Gir rhe hain andhere karmo ki gehrai mein, ab bass jahannum k darwaaze ke sahaare liya karte hain

 

Naa jane kab girne lagi fir ankhuli aankho par roshni, Ikk farishte ki tasveer si tatolte hain

Beshaq koi khel khel rhi hain ye ummed ki kirne, inn ankhon par bhale ab tak bharosa kar kiya karte hain

Saari umr lga kar nafrat k khazane kamaaye hain, kayi paak dilo par dhoke k daag lagaaye hain

Iss noor k aakhri deedar ki ijaazat yu farmaan hui, iss kismat par pakiza hone ka ilzaam ab lagate hain

Gar maut ki panah haasil kar chuke hain.. kisi ki dua k sadke hi jannat ki jhalak ka mazaa utha rahe hain

 

Purani yado ka bawandar kuch aisa panapne lga fakat, uska wo aakhri kalma hawayein gungunati hain

K kya fark hai batao meri chahat aur tumhaari mohobbat mein, jo farishte bewafaai ke ilzaam lgate hain

 

Kya kehte hum dil ka haal ye soch kar katrate the, fir bi sadaiyo se chupe raaz kuch yu sunate the

Tum chahat mein apne dil ki zidd ki hifaazat karte ho, hum mohobbat mein teri ruh ki ibaadat karte hain

Tum shayad hume paane ki beparwaa umeed karte ho, hum beparwaa anjaam tumse mohobbat karte hain

Ikk zindagi ka khayal bhar hai kisi benaam shayar ka, ikk zindagi ka sarmaya sa bayaan karti hai

 

Inn yaado ke nashe mein bass zindagi ko alvida kar dein, issi ummeed mein roshni se mu fer lete hain

Qayaamat tak le ske khuda ki har sza hass kar, iss manzar ko hum aankhon mein to ab yu kaid karte hain,

Jisse zindagi bnaya uske haatho maut ka taufa mila, iss tameel ka shukriya ada hum roz karte hain

Random thoughts of a kukoo heart

I had a horrible dream.. it was very sweet and enjoyable actually.. but it left me disturbed when I woke up, at the thought of my inner screwed up sense of love and relationship even if I’m outwardly very enlightened and intelligent about dealing with these matters now.. Anyway, I calmed myself by writing couplets and these are the choice couple out of half a dozen.. halfway decent I’d say 😛

Chahat ke bazaar mein roz ek nayi chahat se dil behlaate hain..

Mohobbat ke deewano ka yaha koi kaam nahi

Perhaps not self explanatory, cuz I had to actually explain it to the couple of people who read it.. here chah carries its literal meaning ‘want’. So what it’s trying to say is that the heart is a jitterbug.. chanchal you know.. it gets attracted to something new everyday.. it gets obsessed with something new everyday.. and it’s very selfish.. the heart wants what the heart wants.. and these wants change everyday as old attractions fade and new ones develop..

Mohobbat here refers to love, which is eternal, not limited to lovers, flowing in all directions, maybe more concentrated towards some people, but it’s not selfish.. it’s a positive feeling.. how can it be negative when there are no expectations.. there are expectations in relationships.. not in love.. it’s boundless..

Anyway.. here’s another one.. self explanatory

Shamaa ke bazaar mein parwaano ka sauda kar aye..

Iss khel ko yaaro hum uski chaukhat par khatm kar aye..

Boht laanat di dil k saudagro ne..

Hum dil k tukdo ka ikk aur taufa kubool kar aye

Flash of lightning

Sometimes when you’re trying so hard to create something, nothing materializes. But sometimes, you’re just driving a car, doing some chores and out of nowhere, inspiration strikes you like a flash of lightning, and words start pouring out like blood from a fresh wound..

Dil Ke Hazaaro tukde hain.. har tukde ke kuch kisse hain

Kuch naadani mein bhul gaye, kuch baimaani mein chod diye

Kuch tut gaye, kuch rondh diye, kuch humse thakk kar chooth gaye

Kuch humne bhi thukra diye.. kuch aate aate rooth gaye

jo hum tak wapas pohonch gaye, wo chuppi si mein doob gaye

Kuch meethe pal, kuch yaadein thi.. kuch addhoori mulakatein thi

Main Simat nahi sakta jo, kuch bikhri si wo baatein thi

Kuch narm hain, kuch sakht hain, kuch bebaak, kuch shiqast hain

Kuch kisse jinke shayad ab, dilon mein koi mol nahi

Ye tukde jinke shayad ab, zakhmon ka koi hisaab nahi

Kuch himmat karke aaj bhi, sochte hain badal denge inki taqdeer

kabhi jotde hain, kabhi todte hain, kabhi hasste haste rote hain

Another one….

Ok, I know tomorrow is my test and I am sitting here making a post at 2:30 in the morning, but when it strikes you, it’s better to get over with it, or the matter dilutes as I have come to learn.. Ok, here is my second story..(written while listening to Saawariya songs), it popped up in my head when I was browsing through BlueMists archives… Here it is:

His point of view:

I will definitely say it today, he thought, his brain not even keeping track of where his feet were going.

Ok, maybe not say “it”, no definitely not say “it”, I’ll just talk to her, be friends with her, but what to say?

He noticed that he had just reached the library. He walked over and sat at his usual spot, at the entrance of the room, where he could clearly see her.

Ok, what should I say, maybe i should ask her the time.. but damn, the library has a clock and I have one too. Man I am such a loser, two weeks it’s been, grow up man! Ok, first stop staring, yes concentrate on your books, now what should you say? Maybe you should ask her name, but why would she tell you? Ok…ok, how about her class, she studies here too, but why should she tell you, the question still remains asshole..

DON’T STARE AT HER!!, oh god you are too pathetic, you can’t even stop looking at her.. I am telling you, you are just obsessing, it was just what Steven said it was.. a one-itis. Ok, she is looking at me, this is a good sign. I hope. Ok, just ask her if she knows where the book is. What book? Any fucking book, do you care.. just break the ice.

Ok, I am going to do it, I’ll ask her where LOTR is. No, that’ll tell her I am a geek..heh. Ok, I’ll ak her about that Karl Marx book. Ok, I can do it.. just plain and easy..remember, be smooth!

He took a deep breath and started to walk towards her, but she got up and left and he just continued walking forward and stopped at the rack at the far end of the room.

Maybe tomorrow.. no, definitely tomorrow!

Her point of view:

Mmm..ok, so this equation..gosh, profs are so damn unfair, they don’t even explain things properly and we have to waste time in the library digging up theory…

After some time..

Oh no, that guy is back! He has been following me around for two weeks. Guys can be so weird sometimes.. I guess I should complain to someone, who knows what goes on in the minds of these ass holes. I mean just stop staring.. FREAK! Ok, good he’s noticed, now go on and leave me alone. OMG he’s coming towards me, I am not getting these equations anyway, I guess I should get out of here..

She stands up and walks out of the library sternly…

I don’t know what I am going to do about this guy.. Ok, I am going to tell my brother, he ought to straighten the idiot out.. but what am I gonna do about these equations.. better ask Jen if she can explain them to me…….

Comments are always welcome 🙂

So, what has been going on is…

Let me see, I wrote the last post about my life in July. Not much has been going on though, as nothing much happens in this dreaded town. Nevertheless, I would like to update you guys on what’s been going on with me a little…

Firstly, let me apologize, for I realized that ever since I have come here, surprisingly, I have been talking too much about girls and relationships. In fact I’d go as far as saying that I had become obsessed with these topics. But, as for my love of theories, I have come up with a theory for this too. You see, firstly, I just turned 16 and a fresh pang of hormones hit my body, and more importantly my environment changed. Of all the guys I know in Kota, 80% of them are in relationships(of course with girls). 10% don’t want to be in one, 5% are desperate to be in one but are afraid to do something and 5% want it but deny it, saying that their studies will be affected. The thing with humans is that we follow what the majority is doing. In fact some researchers have proved that of majority of people say that 2+2 is not equal to 4, most people would be ready to change their answer. The same applies here. When most guys I know, are in relationships, and happy being in them, my brain thinks that it is something to be pursued and will help me be happy, and it must be good for me because most of them are doing it. I don’t know whether it’s good for me or not, but I certainly think about girls more, and girls make constant appearances in my dreams(pleanty to catch up with there). Anyway, the point was that apologize to you guys and myself too, for having done that.

Well, moving on, after July came August. The test of August 3 went bad, and besides celebrating the independence day doing nothing, I also went home for 4 days in the middle of August. Catching up with not so old friends and having fun after quite a long time. Despite my sister’s big ego issues that I wasn’t giving that much attention to her, I managed to be happy for those days. But, no one was satified. Parents said we spent too much time with friends, friends said we spent too little time with them, we felt we didn’t get much time at home after so many months. All in all a fruitful trip :P. Oh, and Vipul(my ex-room partner) showed me the pictures of her “dearly beloved”. Have to say, not at all what I imagined. We also celebrated his birthday on the 25th, and I gifted him a frame for the photo of his “db”. See, how thoughtful of me? (Yes, I’m insecure).

Anyway, I also happened to check out that latest delighting news about the IITs that how the OBCs will now only need 50% of the marks gotten by last candidate of the general category who got in. Obviously, generals still have the same number of seats, but the thing is that the institute is being diluted, its credibilty will be lost by the time I pass out, I guess. I don’t understand why we still play the old dirty game of “divide and rule”? I guess Bhagat Singh was right in a way when he said that independence through congress would just replace the whites with the browns, poor will still suffer and they still do. We have 1/3rd of the poorest people of the world living in India. The day I read it, I made up half my mind to leave for home the very same day. But, then I thought that maybe I could get into a foreign institute, as they say that if you have prepared for IIT, you have prepared for all of ’em. Cuz seriously, I am done with Indians. More on that later I guess(Yes, I still have a lot left).

I’ve also joined a new private Maths tution here, because my luck so far with maths teachers at the institute has been bad. And the first day, I accidently attened a 12th class batch, but didn’t have the balls to say it after realizing that after the first ten minutes, so I sat there for an hour and a half drawing on my copy. I’ve been pretty sick the whole last week with cold and fever, and have been spending my days pretty much in bed, thus the inactivity in the blogosphere. That, and my lack of creativity for coming up with comments, but that’s not the point here. And as a result of spending most of my time in bed, I have been having more dreams, and pretty good ones, you know the ones which make you feel miserable when you wake up, because you realize that life in reality still sucks and nothing will change for the next two years. And the hangovers of these dreams have been even worse. Seriously, like the other day, I woke up from such a dream to read an sms from my friend as follows:

A true love happens only once in d life time,

If it fails,

Then remaining is just a compromise with the 1and with our life.

Sad but True!

To which, in my post waking up hang over of the dream, I replied:

Ha Ha… Sad? I’d say funny enough to stab myself in the heart with it.

Man, he must have thought I was a freak.

Anyway, I am ok now, and in full swing to clean up my room, my studies and my blogging habits and my life. Bye for now.

The first piece of fiction by me, but…… is it really fiction?

Ok, I know I haven’t posted in very long, but I was writing this story and it just took more time than I expected cause I wanted to be perfect….

Here’s my first fiction – be as ruthless with the review as you can… seriously 😉

It’s hard. Even though you know it’s coming towards you, and no matter how much you try to ignore it or deny it, the day is coming when she will no longer be with you. And standing here, right next to her body being placed inside the coffin, you realize that although you knew this was bound to happen soon, you just don’t accept it, you just can’t imagine your life without her. I look at her face for the last time as the lid is closed. I still remember the first time I saw her, the charm that she had even forced a shy boy like me to cross the room and ask her for a dance. The charm is lost now, replacing her face with a dull look…

This church, it’s the same that we got married in. The place was someday filled with laughter and celebration, and now the silence seems to be eating me inside out. It felt dark and cold, when it was the most bright place that day, on our wedding day. I still remember that kiss, that marked as the beginning of our journey together, a journey where I was left all alone now.
Everybody starts to leave as it draws to a close, but I stand there. I don’t think I am through yet. I start crying slowly getting down on my knees unaware that there are people behind me, watching me and I guess, pitying me…

“Tom…. Tom, come on let’s go buddy”

I start to get up, wiping my eyes, feeling someone’s hand on my shoulder…

“We all loved her……..”

Enclosed in a hug, my thoughts drift towards the past, all that I have left of her now, all that I can still hold on to. I remember how I fell in love with Emily. It wasn’t a moment of lightning or love at first sight. But, I still remember the moment when we were dancing together at our farewell party from college and I knew that she was the one…. It was the best night of my life. Watching her sleep next to me in the early hours of the morning, I remember her tender breathing and realizing how lucky I was to have her….

“No, I’m fine.. I can drive on my own.. Please! I want to be alone….”

This was the same car, yes, but I feel weird driving it without her by my side. I could still smell her in there and I remember……… those long drives and secluded hours with her, holding her hand on the way to the hospital, while she was panting and sweating, trying to draw in long breaths having contractions every few minutes… remember sitting silently next to her, while crying a river inside, on our way to the same hospital to get her cancer reports…. my breath stopping for that one moment when the doctor said sorry, remembe watching my future crumble right in front of my eyes, but still being quite trying to keep her positive…..

“Tom, she is sleeping in her room, do you want me to stay over?”

“No, really, thanx for all your help, Jen”

Sitting there on the living room couch now, with that whiskey going down my throat, burning my insides as I sipped, it all came back to me. Her face painted with sadness floated in front of me along with the last two years in a flash……

I remember sitting by her side when she was being prepared for her first surgery and praying for everything to be ok, fearing the side effects of the chemotherapy we had heard, and then seeing her health slowly declining as the chemotherapy went on, seeing all the side effects I had heard about in front of my eyes and that too, inflicting their cruelty on my Emily, but still saying positive and hoping that everything would be all right, that this would be the end of it….. And as the chemotherapy came to a close, feeling helpless, that we were doing nothing about it, that I could do nothing against it, just wait and pray that this was our final visit to the hosptial… feeling a little relieved day by day seeing her get a little fitter….

And feeling restless and worried when she got that pain in her shoulder, just a day before her last appointment…. feeling angry and lost when we were told that she had developed cancer again, but no, I couldn’t lose, I had to keep on the fight for ourselves, our daughter, our future, and I remember how I had carried a tearful Emily from the hospital to our home, without shedding a single tear… I couldn’t give up.

I felt like I was losing her while she was growing more depressed and weak, on the strong chemotherapy treatment she was undergoing… feeling helpless, nothing to be done while the one you love is slowly being taken away from you… I remember those sleepless nights, when listening to her crying, I gave her a hug and told her everything would be ok… but not really believing it myself… remember when she got more and more ill, the cancer having spread to other parts of her body, even growing anaemic and I couldn’t bear it to see her like that and wondered whether it would be better if she was free of all the pain at last…… remember accepting it at last and trying to make her last days memorable and happy…. and remember that last glint in her eyes when she finally surrendered to death…………..

I couldn’t take it anymore and finished the bottle of whisky in a final swig, hoping it might distract the pain… As I climbed the stairs, I found myself going towards my room. But, then I saw her, at the end of the flight of stairs, the door of her room ajar. I saw her sleeping peacefully in her cot with not a line of worry on her face, and I couldn’t help but think…

When the pain becomes unbearable, we try to cut the strings of our life, want to fall into the abyss, we try to surrender to the dark paths of sorrow, to end it all, but these strings have some other ends attached to them now, and these keep us from falling…. we have to try to get up and hold on to them, keep them strong, make a fresh start even if one escapes our grip……….

P.S. I want to dedicate this to all those single fathers all over the world who still have the courage to go on. They inspired me to write this story (some blogs of single fathers) and I want to thank them for sharing their story with us. I was gonna write another story about a hitman otherwise. Seriously guys, its much easier to just write about it, more than hell to go through with it.

P.S. It is also dedicated to my parents, cuz if they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be, so……

I’m tagged!

Well, Ashish, from the Geek World, has tagged me to do a music meme. I am really excited, I gotta say, you know a new legal job and stuff. Thanx Ashish and here goes the tag:

5 – You’re going on a long journey, what five albums MUST you take with you? Albums that you need to listen to regularly.

Hmm… top 5? They keep on changing every week, right now they are:

1. Meteora – Linkin Park

2 .Viva La Vida – Coldplay

3. Jaane Tu….. Ya Jaane Na

4. Curtain Call – Eminem

5. Hybrid Theory – Linkin Park

4 – What four albums/songs do you most associate with a
journey or travel experience? You know, the ones you listen to that
instantly transport you back to a place and time.

1. Enrique – Do you know what it feels like……

2. Dr. Zeus – Kangna [ Reminds me of all the friends I made at that animation coaching center, where they used to play this song all the time]

3. Dil, Dosti,etc. – Dum Laga [Strangely reminds me of the fun times we had in school]

4. Amrinder Gill – Ishq [Reminds me of my silent mornings I spent looking at her and saying nothing]

3 – Your three favourite songs of all time?

1. Linkin Park – Numb

2. Eminem – The Way I Am

3. Agnee – Shaam Tanha

2 – Two feel good songs, the ones that are guaranteed to lift the blues and put a smile on your face.

1. Tum Se Hi – Jab We Met

2. Kabhi Kabhi Aditi – Jaane Tu…. Ya Jaane Na [for right now]

1 – Absolute, overall, undoubtedly the best album of all time, in your opinion.

Hmm.. here’s a toughy, an all time best album? I am not sure I have heard enough of them to even comment. But right now, I’d say none. I mean I love many right now like Jannat, JTYJN, etc. whose all songs are good, but these undoubtedly not the best of all times, so I guess I am yet to hear it.

Addicted to Oneitis-II

So, here we are again…I was talking about my mental illness most commonly called “Oneitis”. So, I think it was after the second term of 10th class when I was hit by it again. I study Maths tutions since 9th class and go in the evening, but I had gone in the morning that day, and that’s when I saw her.

I arrived and sat at the seat in the back, as most seats were occupied. The front row had the tutor and some three more students sitting there, their face towards us. So I saw her sitting right next to Sir, and I thought she is pretty. Then I opened my books and started solving a sum, but my eyes went up again to catch a glimpse of her, I looked down, looked up. I just couldn’t concentrate on the sum, and my eyes would drift towards her. And she wasn’t that pretty, just a normal looking girl, but there was something about her which attracted my eyes towards hers like magnets. I just solved 2 sums that day in 2 hours, can you believe it? I couldn’t. And even when I came home, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I just kept picturing her in my mind. I grew eager to see her again. I saw her again the next morning, following the same pattern of peeping tom. That night I couldn’t sleep, and I kept thinking that I gotta ask her something, just talk to her a little, and I spent the whole night coming up with ideas. But, I wasn’t courageous enough. From then on, I went to tutions every morning, and told my parents that I had to skip school because the syllabus was over, and we didn’t do much in school and I had to start preparing for Pre-Boards. Although the syllabus was finished, but I don’t think it was time to get holidays to study, because we would have 15 days during Christmas holidays, after we came back from our trip(more about it later). I became more regular at tutions than ever before. But, I couldn’t talk to her because she used to sit right next to Sir, and I had a good image, and you know how it is considered here in India about boys being friends with girls out of the school. Also I found out that she was in 11th class, and 1 year older to me. But, after the crush on HD, it hardly mattered to me. I also found out that she studies in MGN school. I also took her picture with my mobile(obviously without letting anyone know).

I started to find ways to gather confidence or gain her attention. I stumbled upon David Angelo’s dating books, which encouraged me, but I was still learning. I also found out about “The Game” by Neil Strauss and love the ideas and the book.I also made a new friend at the tution who was in my class in my school, but I hadn’t really talked much to him in class. He became my best friend and I discussed with him about my crush. We are still best friends, and I sometimes tell him that we should thank her, because if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have become so good friends with him. I also told him about a dream I had about her(more about that later).

After a week, I started going to school again(had to), and came to the tutions in the evening, but I had a hope in my heart that I might see her. But, I didn’t. She just came once on the eve of my trip. By then, all my friends knew about my crush and it was openly discussed on the trip. I met many guys on my trip who I hadn’t talked to in the school, guys from other sections, other classes(9th only). I was pretty confident of myself when I came back and decided that I would talk to her no matter what happens.

But, when I returned I found out that she had left the tutions and she only used to come to clarify her doubts and studied tution somewhere else. I found out her name through a clever conversation with Sir, and told my friend who studies in the MGN to find out a little about her, and I got to know that she was already committed. But, I had lost my seriousness about her by then, and it didn’t bother me much and the feeling has slowly died down. Slowly I have immersed more and more into “The Game”, the art practiced by pick up artists, and now I refer to these crushes as oneitis.

It is something that you have when you don’t have exposure to many girls and you cling on to one. It can only be overcome by indulging yourself with a lot of other girls. But, I just ask myself sometimes, that there must be something about those girls. I could have been attracted to anyone, more beautiful than them, but I was attracted to them. I was attracted to the one playing Lizzie and not the one playing Miranda or Kate; I was hung up on an average looking girl and not much more beautiful ones. Why? I have no answer.