#4 – Your Sibling

Ooh this is gonna be fun.. here goes:

Dear Sis,

I never liked you. I mean I loved you in a way a brother has to love his sister, but if you were a person I didn’t have to know, I’d never have wanted to know you.

We used to fight.. a lot, and ironically, I think that was the time when we were the closest. You are a spoiled and arrogant brat most of the times, like a princess who got everything at her first command[which you did].  You refuse to behave like an adult and still act like a child with all your tantrums over the smallest of things.

Our only connection was that I’d try to advise you many times[when it should be the other way around], and every time you’d refuse to give it a thought. So, I’ve stopped that now. I guess you are too hell bent on learning from your own mistakes rather than learning from others’. I understand that we should experience life our own way, but sometimes learning from others’ experiences doesn’t hurt.

And we are really different.. I mean you “like” studying for crying out loud.. never knew how you could, but you’ve always been able to study for many hours continuously, whereas I consider it a success when I can study for 1 hour without any interruptions.. Guess that’s your thing, huh? You are hard working when it comes to career..

Anyway, I guess you have changed ever since you’ve left for post graduation.. Hope the trend  continues.. for your own sake..

P.S. You still tell mom everything!! What’s that about?

Yours sincerely

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

Just another rant

This has been in my drafts for a while now.. I thought I should publish this…

You know maybe olden times were simpler, when everyone in a community cared about each other, knew about each other, when the word of the elders was the final word and you didn’t even want to oppose them.. when you worked all day with your friends and came home to your family… when there were no gadgets, no computers, no internet.. internet forums and groups and facebook is like the clans of the old world and the fact that we can’t feel each other around, makes us all behave like ass holes and jerks because we can be. earlier we used to be jerks to other clans and animals..
we spend all our lives being taught not to be violent, be civilized, not topple the jug over, carry ourselves gracefully, but what abt our animal instincts? what if i want to hit someone? should i hit myself? that’s why we play sports…. its the same thing, the clan, the enemies and all.. but i can’t even play sports properly… i wonder what i can do to get out of this birth/death cycle..
i think i’m gonna have a lonely life.. i’m ugly, and even i wouldnt be attracted to me.. so how can i expect anyone else to be.. i guess i’ll die masturbating in my old torn down room, with a packet of chips nearby, me staring at the computer screen and people wouldn’t even notice that i died…. I CAN HAZ A LIFE?
tell me what should i do? how do i get rid of my loser habits? I hope i am able to someday.. but would it even matter if i did?
let’s say i get into a good college and i get a good job and i get married and i ignore my family to earn loads of money and then what? i die…. and what would i have to show for my life then? did i contribute to the society in any way? or just lent a hand to the big corporate companies who suck our blood in return.. why was money created? i wish we would still have barter system and lead simpler lives……..

So, what has been going on is…

Let me see, I wrote the last post about my life in July. Not much has been going on though, as nothing much happens in this dreaded town. Nevertheless, I would like to update you guys on what’s been going on with me a little…

Firstly, let me apologize, for I realized that ever since I have come here, surprisingly, I have been talking too much about girls and relationships. In fact I’d go as far as saying that I had become obsessed with these topics. But, as for my love of theories, I have come up with a theory for this too. You see, firstly, I just turned 16 and a fresh pang of hormones hit my body, and more importantly my environment changed. Of all the guys I know in Kota, 80% of them are in relationships(of course with girls). 10% don’t want to be in one, 5% are desperate to be in one but are afraid to do something and 5% want it but deny it, saying that their studies will be affected. The thing with humans is that we follow what the majority is doing. In fact some researchers have proved that of majority of people say that 2+2 is not equal to 4, most people would be ready to change their answer. The same applies here. When most guys I know, are in relationships, and happy being in them, my brain thinks that it is something to be pursued and will help me be happy, and it must be good for me because most of them are doing it. I don’t know whether it’s good for me or not, but I certainly think about girls more, and girls make constant appearances in my dreams(pleanty to catch up with there). Anyway, the point was that apologize to you guys and myself too, for having done that.

Well, moving on, after July came August. The test of August 3 went bad, and besides celebrating the independence day doing nothing, I also went home for 4 days in the middle of August. Catching up with not so old friends and having fun after quite a long time. Despite my sister’s big ego issues that I wasn’t giving that much attention to her, I managed to be happy for those days. But, no one was satified. Parents said we spent too much time with friends, friends said we spent too little time with them, we felt we didn’t get much time at home after so many months. All in all a fruitful trip :P. Oh, and Vipul(my ex-room partner) showed me the pictures of her “dearly beloved”. Have to say, not at all what I imagined. We also celebrated his birthday on the 25th, and I gifted him a frame for the photo of his “db”. See, how thoughtful of me? (Yes, I’m insecure).

Anyway, I also happened to check out that latest delighting news about the IITs that how the OBCs will now only need 50% of the marks gotten by last candidate of the general category who got in. Obviously, generals still have the same number of seats, but the thing is that the institute is being diluted, its credibilty will be lost by the time I pass out, I guess. I don’t understand why we still play the old dirty game of “divide and rule”? I guess Bhagat Singh was right in a way when he said that independence through congress would just replace the whites with the browns, poor will still suffer and they still do. We have 1/3rd of the poorest people of the world living in India. The day I read it, I made up half my mind to leave for home the very same day. But, then I thought that maybe I could get into a foreign institute, as they say that if you have prepared for IIT, you have prepared for all of ’em. Cuz seriously, I am done with Indians. More on that later I guess(Yes, I still have a lot left).

I’ve also joined a new private Maths tution here, because my luck so far with maths teachers at the institute has been bad. And the first day, I accidently attened a 12th class batch, but didn’t have the balls to say it after realizing that after the first ten minutes, so I sat there for an hour and a half drawing on my copy. I’ve been pretty sick the whole last week with cold and fever, and have been spending my days pretty much in bed, thus the inactivity in the blogosphere. That, and my lack of creativity for coming up with comments, but that’s not the point here. And as a result of spending most of my time in bed, I have been having more dreams, and pretty good ones, you know the ones which make you feel miserable when you wake up, because you realize that life in reality still sucks and nothing will change for the next two years. And the hangovers of these dreams have been even worse. Seriously, like the other day, I woke up from such a dream to read an sms from my friend as follows:

A true love happens only once in d life time,

If it fails,

Then remaining is just a compromise with the 1and with our life.

Sad but True!

To which, in my post waking up hang over of the dream, I replied:

Ha Ha… Sad? I’d say funny enough to stab myself in the heart with it.

Man, he must have thought I was a freak.

Anyway, I am ok now, and in full swing to clean up my room, my studies and my blogging habits and my life. Bye for now.

Monotony

I know I haven’t posted in quite long, like 10 days, and haven’t posted anything worthwhile in like a month (but then, have I ever?)… but the thing is that there is nothing to post about. My life has become boring and monotonous… the last interesting thing that happened in my life was when my friend told me to find a girl of Jalandhar who was also studying at Bansals and get her post something for his friend, who she was friends with (I know, pretty confusing!). Well you know how grave the situation is when you label something like that as interesting, and this also happened like a week ago. My whole day contains of the following things:

1. Sleeping (a lot of it)

2. Eating (very little..really)

3. Going to the classes (and listening to the profs trying to make sense of KTG and stuff)

4. Studying a little (really really little)

5. Surfing the internet (forcibly, even if I can’t find anything)

6. Reading a book or watching a movie (for which I have to wait for like a day and a half to complete downloading)

Yes, that is all I have been doing, locked up in my room (except for going to the classes), for the last 2 months or so. My friends call me and all I have to say is that I have nothing new to say, so if they don’t either, then we might as well hang up. I guess that all confusion part was a desperate attempt of my mind to spice up my life, cuz that has also totally died down too. It’s like my life is about surviving, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the world, and not living.. I would be happy if I was doing something I loved.. but I’m not and so I am going where the wind takes me (though I am heavy for it and there is a lag). And the worst part is that I don’t know what to do about it, cuz I can’t see how my life was any different before I came into this shithole….

No, wait, that’s not the worst part… the worst part is that the dark knight is not releasing here. How long have I been waiting for it? Well, not long, just like a year… and now its not releasing in kota. I mean the people here must be as dumb as fu*k, cuz when I went into the inox here (the only theatre here) to ask about the timings, they didn’t even know there was a film by that name, and isn’t it like the biggest movie of the year? generating oscar buzz before even releasing? but no, these ignorant guys don’t even know about it and on top of that, don’t know how to talk to people properly.. I mean who is getting PAID for costumer service here? I am so gonna look back to living in kota as the worst in my life, at least up until now. Anyway, that is not the point of the post.

Now, that I have bored you completely (wakey wakey!) with my rant about my life here, the news of the day is that as I can’t find anything to post here… I am gonna start digging up the past and try my hand at fiction and stuff. Let’s see how it goes.

P.S. – If you feel like killing me after reading this mind numbingly boring and pointless post, you are welcome to come here and try your hand at it, I mean at least it would add some adventure 😉

P.P.S. Yesterday while watching Schindler’s List (again), a thing occured to me, that could the holocaust happen in this age and time with muslims, like jews during the WW2? Or does democracy play too important a role to let that happen now? Leave your opinion in the comments.

P.P.P.S.(This is the last one, promise) – How is the new header? Was the previous one better or this one?

I’m confused… real confused

The only worthwhile thing I have been doing these days is watching movies….I saw 21 and loved it, and saw some more movies not worth mentioning. I also went to see Jaane Tu… Ya Jaane Na, alone when my friends said they wouldn’t, and I’m glad I did, cuz it’s a very good movie.

Anyway, on with the post, do you remember I told you about A? Yeah, thats the girl I became friends with through orkut. Well, as it turns out, I am a horrible person and a bad human being, cuz, to simply put it across, I am attracted to her. I know that is very wrong, but the thing is that she might have hundreds of friends like me, but she is the only girl who has ever been so close to me, you know emotionally.

I have been trying to not have these feelings, but the foul thing that my brain is, doesn’t let me forget. I try to reason it out again and again and again, yet whenever I think about her, only 1 thing comes to my mind….. I really don’t know what to do to end it all. I surely know that if I shared this with her, our friendship will be effectively ruined.

I have been confused for over a week, about what should I do. I have grown irritable and lazy, don’t talk to anyone properly, except on the internet where I try to come across as happy all the time, through what I write. I don’t know who to consult, cuz, well, I would come off as a horrible person to them, and its just embarrasing enough that I am even having these thoughts. I thoroughly feel ashamed of myself for going the Harry way, that gals and guys can never be friends unless involved with other already. So, I have turned to you guys for help…..suggestions are open, please comment, any help is appreciated.

Hello again!

Hey you guys! I hope you haven’t forgotten me. Let me introduce myself again. It’s Perx, with my wierd little alias. I know I don’t post regularly, but I’ll try to be from now on. Ok, so i’ve got two tags and some news about Kota.

Well, as everyone knows that the conditions in Rajasthan, especially near Kota, aren’t pleasant. Terrorism is on the rise. Although there hasn’t been much violence in the city, you might find a case or two. Infact a boy was killed, in our street with a knife, but it was a late night incident and only few people know, even I got to know from somewhere else, and am not sure even if it’s true. There is some panga about the Gurjars. And the thing is that these guys have broken the rail tracks. So no courier or passengers can come in or go out. My new Sony Ericsson K950i is waiting to be sent in my old city. The mobile that I previouly had, a chines one, has totally stopped working, and I use Nokia 1200 until my parents can come to Kota with my phone. I think that they should just cancel reservation for all, no partiality would happen that way. But that’s a whole another topic.

The big news is that I’ve shifted to a new PG. Vipul is still in the older room. The place was good, but the only thing was I didn’t like the landlord and vice versa. The place where I now live, belongs to a retired couple, whose kids have jobs abroad. Actually my mom met the lady on the train, when my parents were going back. The fountain that she is, my mom was crying, and this lady also started crying. I guess, that developed a strange kind of bond between them. Anyway, the room is nice, but I feel a little lonely here. I mean I was living for a month and a half, being constantly surrounded by people, and suddenly, I am alone. I guess it will take some time getting used to being alone AGAIN.

The Bansal review test went very bad. I am in R8 right now and obviously, wanna go up. In subjective, I thought I’d get 15/20 in Maths, 40/50 in Chem and 40/50 in Physics. But guess what, I just got 12.5/50 in Maths, 19/50 in Physics and 17/50 in Chem. I am like totally depressed. But, I am hoping for good marks in objective test, atleast 75/150. I wanna atleast stay in R and not go into S. So, I’ve decided to work hard from now. Just today, I was thinking that the last month was like a dream, you know, like while watching “FRIENDS”, you think that one day, you would like to live like this too. And now is when the real struggle begins. Let’s see how it goes.

UPDATE: As I was writing this, the results got announced. I got 78 in objective and got Q6 which is a much higher batch. Now I’m happy. And BTW Vipul got P5, he was in Q2 earlier.

8 Things Me

I got the first tag from Sneezy Melon of “The Goofy Express“. I have to tell 8 random facts about me. I think it could take me a day to think those…..

1) I am Sikh. Yes, if you didn’t know, I am a Sikh. As much as I don’t want hair as long as a girl has, the Indian society is narrow minded. My parents won’t say no, if I insisted on getting my hair cut, but as long as I am dependent on them, I don’t want them to face embarrassment, so I’ll do that when I get independent. See, I don’t think you need long hair to be a Sikh. Just by going to the Gurudwara, or wearing a turban, keeping a beard, putting money in the golak and bending in front of the Guru Granth Sahib, you can’t be a real Sikh. I have not been to a Gurudwara in 2 years, I believe God is everywhere. I don’t put money in the golak, because that does not go to poor, but to the pockets of managers. I’d rather feed the poor. I don’t read the jabji sahib, cuz I think that God doesn’t need a particular language to be prayed in. I think that the one who respects the Holy book and practices the deeds given is more of a sikh than the one doing all the other things I said above. Sorry, I guess this topic needs a post of its own. Moving on…….

2) I was the Head boy of my school, the worst there ever was. I didn’t even wanna be the head boy in the first place. I didn’t think I deserved it, I even told my class teacher to pass on the title to that boy, but she said that the decision had been made. There decision turned out to be wrong for them, according to me…….

3) I have a weird habit of connecting myself with every great personality. I try to find similarities between us and then think that maybe I’m their re-incarnation. So far, I have considered myself to be a re-incarnation of Bhagat Singh, Einstein, Shakespeare, Gandhi, Walt Disney, Mozart, and many more….

4) I don’t like dogs, cats, even pups, horses or any other kind of animal or insect. You don’t know what’s going on in their heads, and they might hurt you at any time. So I hate them and am afraid of them.

5) I don’t like to fight. I mean I have fought with my sister many times, but my views have changed now. I think fights and wars are a problem in themself and not a solution to any problem, so I believe in forgiving and forgetting. But, mind you I’m afraid of getting beaten either.

6) I hate myself. Yes, I hate the way I look, the way I think, the way I talk. I wish I could change everything like through a computer program or something, like photoshop, where they even got previews.

7) I daydream, and that’s all I do. I think and make plans about the future and forget to study in the procedure. Whenever, I see something, like on TV, about a family or something, I start thinking about what I would do differently if it were my decision……I think u get the point. BTW, my biggest dream is being immortal.

Tag No. 2 (As stolen from Ish)

i am: ugly.
i think: constantly, about too many things at a time.
i know: that I’ll succeed if I try hard.
i want: to talk to my crush once, to know what it was that attracted me to her.
i have: dual personalities.
i wish: I could be a movie director.
i hate: studying.
i miss: my friends from my city.
i fear: death and ghosts.
i feel: confused, about life.
i hear: numbness, the sound of loneliness.
i smell: some socks which are unwashed.
i crave: for love, real pure love.
i search: my soul, my heart, trying to unravel it’s secrets.
i wonder: if I’ll ever be at peace.
i regret: having opted for non medical.
i love: watching movies.
i ache: for all the people who are doing what they don’t want to do.
i care: for my family, friends and some other people.
i always: look for the deeper meaning.
i am not: religious at all. I believe in Guru Nanak, Krishna, and Hanuman equally.
i believe: that I’ll go crazy one day.
i dance: to the tunes of fate.
i sing: along with listening to songs. People tend to spread away, when I start listening to songs.

I tag anyone who would like to do these tags.

Yep, the system sucks………….

We have just proved that Indian politicians have sold their souls to the devil and now just live on votes. They would go to any extent for getting and securing votes. They think that doing good work will not have them elected, but rigging vote booths and saving a vote bank by dividing India will.

A latest example is the clearance of the OBC quota law. Now, the SCs, STs and OBCs will have a total of 49.5% reservation in all central universities including IIT, IIM and even JNU and DU. The cream layer of OBC will be excluded which includes, kids of judges and gov. officers, and kids of other wealthy parents. Even the private universities have to follow this, which is unconstitutional according to one of the judges deciding the case. You tell me, is it necessary today that reservations should be kept. Sure it was when certain caste people weren’t given admission in temple schools, but now no one asks about your caste when you go to get admission anywhere except when you fill it out yourself. How is it needed anymore? How forward do they wanna take India when our Government keeps dividing us on caste bases and then asks us to be tolerant of others? They just want to get votes.

And in this so called “Democarcy”, the Government doesn’t even want to hear the public out. The so many possessions and morchas have been squashed, students have been killed and lathi charges are common. So, they are taking away our only right which we could practice without restrictions. And the CJI has to say on this that, “Reservation is one of the many tools that are used to preserve….essence of equality so that disadvantaged groups can be brought to the forefront of civil life.” What disadvantaged groups? When people don’t discriminate, why does the government? I’ll tell you what, the parties should give their votebank a 100% reservation, and we shall be pushed out to other countries, cuz that what it looks like, we are halfway there.

I wanna clarify that I am not writing against the SC, ST, or OBCs, but against the way Democracy is practiced in India. I might even be charged under the law for speaking against the Government cuz the right to speech is not of importance anymore, cuz if mass protests are crushed, who am I? Our fundamental rights are taken away, and then they call out to us to fulfill our fundamental duty of voting which is already rigged with gifts and fake votes and hollow promises. Well I say this to those people:

Well, anyway enjoy your votebank. My faith in democracy has been broken. Communism or anything else, anyone?

BTW, I got admission in Bansal Classes……………..

I hate shopping for clothes…….

Yes, I hate it, I simply hate it, for the basic fact that I’m fat, a condition which many people call “healthy” in India like my mother, my sister-in-law(i hope thats what we call bhabhi) and many others, even some of my friends. I remind them again and again that healthy is being fit, and the thing is called being fat or obese.

Anyway back to the point, I hate shopping for clothes, my parents have to drag me to the shop(not literally), and I shop just once at the start of every season. I hate it because I’m totally embarrassed. I know that I should accept it and I do, but it’s just embarrassing to ask for over sized clothe, which have to be altered in length for you, and even more embarrassing to stand there in the trial room, and pulling up a pair of jeans which just won’t go higher and then walking out with those overtight jeans and ur mother asks you, “Kamar se tight to nahi hai?”(“Is it tight at your waist?”) I mean you’re there like totally red trying to hold your breath to flatten your stomach a little bit, and this bomb drops on you in front of the salesman and you are thinking, “wtf, I can manage if it is tight or not, why’d u have to ask me?”. But you say that it’s tight and the salesman picks out a bigger waist jeans for you, which is OK at the waist, but longer than you need. And then you try out t-shirts, which are equally embarrassing if they don’t fit. Finally when you are sitting in the back of your car, your parents are like giving you advice when you don’t need it. I have plans, I’m just too lazy to get off my ass.

I have written this, because I had to go through all this today, again. But no matter, I have a new plan and I’m gonna work on it from tomorrow.

Roadies……..saaley bhainchod

Yes, I am that pissed off to swear on the internet. So today, the “Big Bang 2” episode of Roadies was shown. Ankita had challenged Shambhavi and Snehashish had challenged Ashutosh. Their task was to hold on to a hose pipe on a height as water was sprayed on them at 110 Psi.

Shambhavi beat Ankita, and I was like, the bloody bitch is back. But, she was more powerful than Ankita and I guess it was fair if you just look at how they perform their tasks, and not go into their “whorish” strategies. And Ashu had to beat Snehashish, it was evident as soon as the task was shown, he just has brains and no upper body strength. And out of the other three, Sonel, Ayaz and Vibhor(I think), they voted Ayaz out. Bloody hypocrites! The only guy who showed passion all along, Ayaz, consistent in all tasks despite his injuries. A true roadie voted out before going international and even his accident was caused due to Ashutosh. Well, as they say, “Sabh lassi ho gaya yaar.”

Our final six roadies are: Prabhjot, Nihal, Ashutosh, Shambhavi, Vibhor and Sonel.

All has come back to the way it was and the next to be voted out will be…………yes you guessed it right, Prabhjot, the only ex-roadie who came back and proved herself. The game is again in the hands of Nihal and Ashu and after Prabhjot, I guess we’ll say goodbye to Vibhor, Sonel, Shambhavi/Ashu in that order.

Well, anyway, let’s see what happens next, the roadies are off to Bangkok.

Catch-22

No, I’m not talking about the Novel, I’m talking about a situation. Catch-22 is a situation where two decisions contradict each other. For example, in the novel there’s a war, in which a soldier can only be sent back if he demands and he is insane, but if he demands, he is sane and can’t be sent back home and if he is insane, he won’t ask to be sent back. This is Catch-22.

Anyway, back to my situation. I’m giving entrance exams for Bansal Classes, Kota and Vidyamandir, Delhi. The results will be announced 11th April and after that. But, the two schools I’m applying for in my city, in case I don’t make it in the coaching centers, declare their results on 2nd and 4th April, and they will ask for about 5-7k rupees to be deposited as admission fee, by like 7th or 8th. Further, the most famous coaching center in my city(for IIT) starts classes 6th April and ask for half yearly fees of about 15-20k to be deposited in one go. Their sits are filled like hot cakes, so there’s not a chance I could take admission later. So what am I supposed to do if I don’t get admission in either of the two centers. Am I supposed to deposit the fees for the local center? What happens then, if I do get admission in either of the above. Do I waste 20k? I am in a real pickle and don’t know what to do. Finally I’ve come to a decision that I’ll deposit the fees for the school and skip the local center. If it doesn’t work out, it just might be for the best. Suggestions are welcomed.

Update(4th April, 2008): Thanks for all the suggestions……..yeah right, unhelpful people. Anyway, I have deposited money for the local school and the local center’s result comes out on 15th, thankfully. Atleast wish me luck for Bansal and Vidyamandir exams……….