Haq Se Single

Today I feel single, truly single, I can’t tell after how many years.. and weirdly this feeling of singlehood also brings with it a feeling of wholeness. For example…

• Finally feel like there’s nobody you’d rather be spending time with than yourself
• You don’t keep checking your phone expecting someone’s text
• You don’t keep avoiding your phone to avoid the disappointment staring back at you from the blank notification bar
• You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you could have done
• You don’t keep wondering in the back of your mind, what more you can still do
• You don’t feel like you’re missing out on the greatest show on earth, but you weren’t worthy enough for a ticket
• You don’t keep thinking about the moments and talks you had
• You don’t keep thinking about somebody’s cute nose, luscious hair, or weirdly attractive shoulder bones
• You don’t keep checking WhatsApp or Instagram for the latest byte you’re missing
• You don’t keep thinking about what you shouldn’t have said, or what you should’ve said instead
• You don’t think what if……….

And that is the biggest reason for this ecstatic feeling of wholeness. Today, I’m not thinking what if. Today, I’m not feeling insecure about my choices. Today, I feel glad, that I’m able to see people objectively and understand the choices they made without feeling that a thousand questions are unanswered.

Today I’m secure.. nay, even thankful, about what happened, and what didn’t. It all turned out for the best.

Fanaa…

Anjaan hain dil k halaato se hum, ghumon ki surahi se khushi k jaam peete hain

Yu ulajh chuke the zindagi k dhaage, k tod kar hi sukoon sulajhne ki ummed karte hain)

Ikk aakhri dor atk rhi hai saanso ki, tut jaane ki dua kabool ho ye dua krte hain

Gir rhe hain andhere karmo ki gehrai mein, ab bass jahannum k darwaaze ke sahaare liya karte hain

 

Naa jane kab girne lagi fir ankhuli aankho par roshni, Ikk farishte ki tasveer si tatolte hain

Beshaq koi khel khel rhi hain ye ummed ki kirne, inn ankhon par bhale ab tak bharosa kar kiya karte hain

Saari umr lga kar nafrat k khazane kamaaye hain, kayi paak dilo par dhoke k daag lagaaye hain

Iss noor k aakhri deedar ki ijaazat yu farmaan hui, iss kismat par pakiza hone ka ilzaam ab lagate hain

Gar maut ki panah haasil kar chuke hain.. kisi ki dua k sadke hi jannat ki jhalak ka mazaa utha rahe hain

 

Purani yado ka bawandar kuch aisa panapne lga fakat, uska wo aakhri kalma hawayein gungunati hain

K kya fark hai batao meri chahat aur tumhaari mohobbat mein, jo farishte bewafaai ke ilzaam lgate hain

 

Kya kehte hum dil ka haal ye soch kar katrate the, fir bi sadaiyo se chupe raaz kuch yu sunate the

Tum chahat mein apne dil ki zidd ki hifaazat karte ho, hum mohobbat mein teri ruh ki ibaadat karte hain

Tum shayad hume paane ki beparwaa umeed karte ho, hum beparwaa anjaam tumse mohobbat karte hain

Ikk zindagi ka khayal bhar hai kisi benaam shayar ka, ikk zindagi ka sarmaya sa bayaan karti hai

 

Inn yaado ke nashe mein bass zindagi ko alvida kar dein, issi ummeed mein roshni se mu fer lete hain

Qayaamat tak le ske khuda ki har sza hass kar, iss manzar ko hum aankhon mein to ab yu kaid karte hain,

Jisse zindagi bnaya uske haatho maut ka taufa mila, iss tameel ka shukriya ada hum roz karte hain

Therapy

Sometimes, writing is therapeutic, sometimes I write to calm myself, to see the truth, to not be lead astray…

Dil chodd de ye zidd inn dilkash lamho ki,

Inke Haq mukammal ho chuke zamaano ki baat hai

Inn aahton ki dhoop ki chahatein naa kar

Inmein jalke zinda rehna parwaano ki baat hai

 

And then sometimes, it just flows out of me.. like a stream I have no hopes of controlling, I can only wait for it to pass.. and hope that I can hold on, keep my feet on the ground and keep moving

Sab jod k ab chodd de, Iss waqt ka pahiya tod de

Dil dil ka chakkar chod de, Iss mod se ab muh mod le

Kuch dil k tukde baant de, Iss gum ka rasta chodd de

Gumm jaa hadd k galiyaaro se, Ab sharm ka ghunghat oddh le

 

Par maan le kaise baat ye, Iss dil ka dard prakop hai

Lad lein iss duniya se bhi ab, Iss zid ka koi naa tod hai

Ladna mushkil sa hai par ab, Uss nadaani si soch se

Uski baato ki nok se, Usske dil ki uss chot se

 

Anjaan bane baithe hain bass, Ikk  darr se naata jod k

Hain choron ki hum basti mein, aur dil bhi humse chor hai

Lutt kar baithe hain kabse hum, ikk parde ka afsos hai

 

Inn bikhri tooti yaadon ka, kuch mol nhi unn nazro mein

Inn lamho aur tasweero ko anmol banaye baithe hain

Dil se ladne ka zor nhi, Kya haal banaye baithe hain

More on relationships.. and their perceived importance

Relationships can’t really be defined. Sure, we put labels on them, like friends, family, partner, lover, but there is no line that defines each of them separately. I mean is the difference between friends and lovers only sex? but don’t people have sex with strangers? Let’s just say they have different meanings for different people at different points of time. I always defined them as any form emotional connect between two people.

Maybe because of this simplistic interpretation, I’ve always been aloof about relationships. My rationale is pretty full proof too :P. I mean, we have not seen or experienced life without our parents, there is no version of reality where we existed without them. Still when we lose them, life doesn’t stop. We still go on, we learn to live without them. So we must be able to live without anybody. Sure, it might take us time to get over them, but no matter how important they were to us, no matter how dependent we were on them, life doesn’t stop and we learn to cope.

But what about those relationships that we lose along the way. The friends we haven’t called for years who were our other halves, the lovers we thought we couldn’t live without, the acquaintances we lost touch with. What makes these relationships different? Why is it that some relationships leave gashes of despair when they are broken, and some end without so much as a whimper. It’s not like they weren’t deep connections, it’s not like you weren’t dependent on those people, it’s not like you hadn’t shared secrets with them, or hadn’t spent countless hours contemplating the stupidest bullshit, and yet you don’t even feel their absence, you don’t feel that connection slipping from your heart.

So where does the difference lie? I don’t have the slightest idea.

I know it happens, I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. And I do have a theory. I think it’s because of the fact that human beings are selfish assholes. I think the reason we don’t feel the loss of some relationships, is we don’t perceive the importance of the relationship based on the person, but on the role that relationship plays in our life right now.We need certain people to play certain roles in our life at different times, and we value them for that. But, as soon as that role is no longer important, the person loses importance as well.

Maybe that’s how relationships deteriorate. People change, and their needs change, and maybe you are just not needed anymore. Your emotional needs are more like baggage, and there is always a breaking point for how much someone’s willing to carry. Maybe that’s why some relationships sustain, when people change together, you know, “You have gaps, I have gaps, together, we fill gaps”.  I think that’s why it’s a little easier later in your life, to cope with your parent’s death as well. You don’t have that strong a need for that role of a guardian and guide anymore.

Maybe.. but your guess is just as good as mine..

Flash of lightning

Sometimes when you’re trying so hard to create something, nothing materializes. But sometimes, you’re just driving a car, doing some chores and out of nowhere, inspiration strikes you like a flash of lightning, and words start pouring out like blood from a fresh wound..

Dil Ke Hazaaro tukde hain.. har tukde ke kuch kisse hain

Kuch naadani mein bhul gaye, kuch baimaani mein chod diye

Kuch tut gaye, kuch rondh diye, kuch humse thakk kar chooth gaye

Kuch humne bhi thukra diye.. kuch aate aate rooth gaye

jo hum tak wapas pohonch gaye, wo chuppi si mein doob gaye

Kuch meethe pal, kuch yaadein thi.. kuch addhoori mulakatein thi

Main Simat nahi sakta jo, kuch bikhri si wo baatein thi

Kuch narm hain, kuch sakht hain, kuch bebaak, kuch shiqast hain

Kuch kisse jinke shayad ab, dilon mein koi mol nahi

Ye tukde jinke shayad ab, zakhmon ka koi hisaab nahi

Kuch himmat karke aaj bhi, sochte hain badal denge inki taqdeer

kabhi jotde hain, kabhi todte hain, kabhi hasste haste rote hain

Some random…. things

 

Random thoughts

Random  Scribblings on pieces of paper…

 

Samajhna Hai Mushkil ke ye kya khel hai.

Kaun Hai Kiska aur Kiska Kiss-se kya mel hai,

Fas gaye jo kabhi inn Rahon mein, To bas akele hi bhatakne ki sochte hain.

Na Jaane jo yahan mil gaya, wo gora hai itna ki aankhein hain chaundhyati,

ya bas uss suraj ka yeh bhi ek khel hai.

Iss Khel Ka par hum bhi mazaa uthate hain,

Dhoke pe dhoka ya apno ka pyaar paye jaate hain..

Ye kaisi hain galiyan jahan akele chalne mein dil ghabrata hai,

Par saathi jo ho koi to bas gum jaane se ye ghabrata hai..

Bas yahi khayal aata hai ke ye raushni aai to hai raah dikhane ko,

Par kahin ye hazm naa karle hamari hi parchain ko..

 

And another one in Punjabi

 

Mitran Di Gali Na Aavin Sajna, Eh Bande Nahi Kamm Kaaj De,

Ho Jaange Ne Eh Deewane Tere, Te Tere Pallu’ch Vi Eh Oh Gand Maar Jaange..

Ke Kholdi Ravengi Ehna Uljhanan Nu Saari Ummar.. Par Oh Roz Mud Aunge..

Puzzle Time!

Firstly, yeah I know I’ve retired from this.. but u can make a speacial appearance once in a while, right?

Ok, on with the post. I’ve won three quizzes in the past few days. Firstly I won the “Riddle and Rhyme” on Reema’s blog. Then I won the moviemax “Sabse Bada Filmi Keeda” and today I got a Delhi 6 audio cd from bollywood hungama as I won a quiz I took part in a month ago.

But I haven’t been as lucky everywhere. My first exam today which was maths went horribly and I hope I get atleast 50/100. Anyway, as directed by Reema, I have to continue the chain, but I couldn’t rhyme so there’s no poem but here’s the picture puzzle.. You have to guess what is shown in the picture.. All the comments are in moderation for 2 days after which a winner will be declared. Take it away:

And on a leaving note, here’s a clip of the stand up comedian Russell Peters, whose parents are Indians and he was born in Canada. I recently watched his dvd, Outsourced and I haven’t laughed that hard in at least a year. This is one of his most famous sketches about how his father used to beat him. Strongly recommended!

Something funny this time….

Well, I feel my blog is too serious, from my fiction to my life. So, I’ve decided to lighten things up a little by posting some funny videos I came across in the past few days.

1. Ah, L’Amour

First up is an animation, about men, women and all the relationships crap, and I gotta say the video is true to a certain extent…

2. The Dark Knight Spoofs

Watch these if you have seen The Dark Knight, this a pretty funny spoof of the batman-joker interrogation scene…. I’m still loling over this..

3. Strange Art

Now this measures how dirty your brain really is….

The tag doing 3 x 10^8 m/sec

Yes, its the love tag doing the round of this part of the blogosphere these days. I have been tagged by Reema and the title comes from Priya’s comment on Arvind’s post.

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and they cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

I’m gonna go ahead and steal Reema’s style by posting pictures, but I’m gonna write the answers, so its a mix and match. Here it is:

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

I will ask her and find out why before going into depression and isolation for several weeks.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

Perfect life, which means I am a successful director, and going out with Hilary Duff, with  lots of money.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?

Right now, Mr. Bansal, the owner of Bansal Classes.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Make movies, publish novels, buy subway (restaurant), buy a Ford gt40, buy the fucking IIT.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?

I would prefer not to, but love is not a choice 😉

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

Being loved, always!

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

28 days 6 hours 42 minute 12 seconds [DD]

Ok, seriously, if there is no inclination from her side, then until she is happily married.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Win her over… what else?

9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? Your gf/bf or an actress/actor?

Will Smith.

10. What takes you down the fastest?

A lift, nothing faster exists for taking us down, as far as I know.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

Through a time machine…

ok seriously, I don’t know, I am trying to figure it out.

12. What’s your fear?

Not being needed, living a worthless life.

13. What kind of a person do you think the person who tagged you is?

A teacher to the core, with an alter ego of a student.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

Single and rich, at least you can buy things to distract yourself.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Smile about the dream I had.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?

All except my blog…

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

The one who is more accessible, I mean who is more likely to say yes to me.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

No, I might forgive, but I won’t forget.

19. The one thing you can never forgive in love?

Backstabbing.

20. List 6 people to tag:

Can’t think of those who haven’t done it already or haven’t been tagged already. Ok, I got one:

Intutius and Unbreakable.

Chao!