Ok, I know I haven’t posted in very long, but I was writing this story and it just took more time than I expected cause I wanted to be perfect….
It’s hard. Even though you know it’s coming towards you, and no matter how much you try to ignore it or deny it, the day is coming when she will no longer be with you. And standing here, right next to her body being placed inside the coffin, you realize that although you knew this was bound to happen soon, you just don’t accept it, you just can’t imagine your life without her. I look at her face for the last time as the lid is closed. I still remember the first time I saw her, the charm that she had even forced a shy boy like me to cross the room and ask her for a dance. The charm is lost now, replacing her face with a dull look…
This church, it’s the same that we got married in. The place was someday filled with laughter and celebration, and now the silence seems to be eating me inside out. It felt dark and cold, when it was the most bright place that day, on our wedding day. I still remember that kiss, that marked as the beginning of our journey together, a journey where I was left all alone now.
Everybody starts to leave as it draws to a close, but I stand there. I don’t think I am through yet. I start crying slowly getting down on my knees unaware that there are people behind me, watching me and I guess, pitying me…
“Tom…. Tom, come on let’s go buddy”
I start to get up, wiping my eyes, feeling someone’s hand on my shoulder…
“We all loved her……..”
Enclosed in a hug, my thoughts drift towards the past, all that I have left of her now, all that I can still hold on to. I remember how I fell in love with Emily. It wasn’t a moment of lightning or love at first sight. But, I still remember the moment when we were dancing together at our farewell party from college and I knew that she was the one…. It was the best night of my life. Watching her sleep next to me in the early hours of the morning, I remember her tender breathing and realizing how lucky I was to have her….
“No, I’m fine.. I can drive on my own.. Please! I want to be alone….”
This was the same car, yes, but I feel weird driving it without her by my side. I could still smell her in there and I remember……… those long drives and secluded hours with her, holding her hand on the way to the hospital, while she was panting and sweating, trying to draw in long breaths having contractions every few minutes… remember sitting silently next to her, while crying a river inside, on our way to the same hospital to get her cancer reports…. my breath stopping for that one moment when the doctor said sorry, remembe watching my future crumble right in front of my eyes, but still being quite trying to keep her positive…..
“Tom, she is sleeping in her room, do you want me to stay over?”
“No, really, thanx for all your help, Jen”
Sitting there on the living room couch now, with that whiskey going down my throat, burning my insides as I sipped, it all came back to me. Her face painted with sadness floated in front of me along with the last two years in a flash……
I remember sitting by her side when she was being prepared for her first surgery and praying for everything to be ok, fearing the side effects of the chemotherapy we had heard, and then seeing her health slowly declining as the chemotherapy went on, seeing all the side effects I had heard about in front of my eyes and that too, inflicting their cruelty on my Emily, but still saying positive and hoping that everything would be all right, that this would be the end of it….. And as the chemotherapy came to a close, feeling helpless, that we were doing nothing about it, that I could do nothing against it, just wait and pray that this was our final visit to the hosptial… feeling a little relieved day by day seeing her get a little fitter….
And feeling restless and worried when she got that pain in her shoulder, just a day before her last appointment…. feeling angry and lost when we were told that she had developed cancer again, but no, I couldn’t lose, I had to keep on the fight for ourselves, our daughter, our future, and I remember how I had carried a tearful Emily from the hospital to our home, without shedding a single tear… I couldn’t give up.
I felt like I was losing her while she was growing more depressed and weak, on the strong chemotherapy treatment she was undergoing… feeling helpless, nothing to be done while the one you love is slowly being taken away from you… I remember those sleepless nights, when listening to her crying, I gave her a hug and told her everything would be ok… but not really believing it myself… remember when she got more and more ill, the cancer having spread to other parts of her body, even growing anaemic and I couldn’t bear it to see her like that and wondered whether it would be better if she was free of all the pain at last…… remember accepting it at last and trying to make her last days memorable and happy…. and remember that last glint in her eyes when she finally surrendered to death…………..
I couldn’t take it anymore and finished the bottle of whisky in a final swig, hoping it might distract the pain… As I climbed the stairs, I found myself going towards my room. But, then I saw her, at the end of the flight of stairs, the door of her room ajar. I saw her sleeping peacefully in her cot with not a line of worry on her face, and I couldn’t help but think…
When the pain becomes unbearable, we try to cut the strings of our life, want to fall into the abyss, we try to surrender to the dark paths of sorrow, to end it all, but these strings have some other ends attached to them now, and these keep us from falling…. we have to try to get up and hold on to them, keep them strong, make a fresh start even if one escapes our grip……….
P.S. I want to dedicate this to all those single fathers all over the world who still have the courage to go on. They inspired me to write this story (some blogs of single fathers) and I want to thank them for sharing their story with us. I was gonna write another story about a hitman otherwise. Seriously guys, its much easier to just write about it, more than hell to go through with it.
P.S. It is also dedicated to my parents, cuz if they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be, so……