Love… and all that jazz

Love.. one of the big questions in life.. what is it?

It’s been floating around in my mind for some time and I thought it was time I got it out, just to de-fog my mind.

I guess by now, we’ve all made perceptions about it. For example, for my room-mate, it is something divine, beyond normal words like “care”, “like” and it’s a big motivator in life.

I think most of my friends don’t even think about it.. it just is.. but I’ve got this curse or blessing that my mind loves overworking and I can’t control it.

So, let me put it all in my words. I first started to think about love when I had my first crush. My first definition was “Nature’s trick to get us to mate” and my explanation for that feeling was that I was crazy and filmy.

And maybe my filminess was very adamant, cuz it happened again. Needless to say, it was a crush, and I figured that I was just attracted to her.. Love still had the same definition for me.

But with time I’ve grown up, and I like to think that I’ve matured too [:)]

And now, I think that love is nothing other than unconditional care. I mean there are various points supporting my theory. Parents care for us no matter what we become. Anyone else doesn’t… they love and expect, so maybe not unconditional love.. but in that league. And it happens when we get used to people.. I mean we get attached to them, their nuances, their vices and their good habits. Everything else is just our need for social attachment or attraction, based on the kind of love. So, I could fall in love with any girl as long as I stay with her for a long time/some time. I figured that’s how arranged marriages work.

So.. a good definition right?

I thought so too.. until I got intrigued by another girl. I can’t say it was attraction cuz I’ve never thought about any of the girls mentioned above like that. I was always just intrigued.. wanting to know more about them. I could say that I was trying to fill mental holes.. but I wasn’t looking for anything like that.. at least not this year… it just happened.

I’m not saying this is love. I’m just trying to figure life out. Cuz that’s what humans try to do, isn’t it? Finding patterns, setting theories and testing them to confirm. We like to believe that there are some ground rules and we can learn them and live life easily.. but I guess life surprises you like this…

Tell me if you’ve got something to contribute

Rockstar

I’ve done this a thousand times but, nervousness still lingers in the pit of my stomach just moments before it. These three seconds standing at the curtain still feel like 3 hours, so many emotions racing past me. The feelings can’t be described in words. Its like fucking someone for the first time, you know you have done it a thousand times, but still you feel a little restless and nervous while tearing off the tip of that packet and trying to put on that new durex. It’s like your life has stopped for three seconds and the other part awaits you at the other side of that curtain. And then you finally walk through, the chants of your name engulf you like a sudden rush of water choking your lungs. The noise welcomes you like a mother’s open arms, and you let go…

Rant alert : The year I witnessed two cremations

This has not been a good year so far.. In fact I might go so far as to say that this has been the worst year of my life.. I’ve witnessed two deaths in my own home, didn’t get selected for any good college and had to take some pretty major and devastatingly painful decisions.

I guess this is a warning of sorts.. this is not going to be a happy post.

The first death I witnessed was my maternal grandmother’s. I’ll be lying if I say I had any sort of attachment or bond with her. But, anyway, I cared about her in a humanitarian sort of way. I must seem horrible but we didn’t have much interaction despite living in the same house. I dreaded having to witness her death. When she got sick, I was just praying that I don’t wanna be there to see her die. Of course I was very afraid, having never seen death before. But life is funny I guess.. cuz I was right there in the hospital, two steps away from her room, when she took her last breath, and I had to take care of my mom till dad got there. What happened after that changed me in ways I could never have imagined.

Since  my mother has no brothers or sisters, and I have no brother, I had to perform all the rituals. I can’t explain the scene that I saw, but I never imagined that the human body is so fragile until that very moment. The fire, which was uncomfortable to us, standing five feet away.. and a person was lying right in the middle of it.. The shabad “ikk ghadi vi kise nahi tainu rakhna, jadon tere swaas muk gaye” kept ringing in my ears. The person, my family was so desperately trying to save was burned mere hours after her demise..

Obviously, I slept very uneasily that night.. I suffered from nightmares and cold shivers, but finally the morning came..  But the morning held worst surprises.. turned out now I had to collect her bones from the pyre. I swear to god ki jitni tab fati naa.. aaj tak kabhi nahi fati hogi..

Anyway, the raakh was floated in a nearby river and the poojas were done and it was all over. I was normal in a couple of days.. more important decisions awaited.. my EEE result had come out and I got sidetracked…

Then, September came. The day we were all dreading had finally come.. my aunt (my father’s sister in law), whom we had lived with all our lives.. she was at the verge of death. Of course, it was inevitable.. and with 3 long years of fight with cancer behind her, I couldn’t help but feel in a tiny corner of my mind that it was her release, that she needed it. I came back home, saw her for the last time and the next morning she expired, after having been off the ventilator for a mere half an hour.

I witnessed scenes I had never imagined in my wildest dreams. My mom, my sister, my sister in law.. they weren’t crying… they were wailing, shouting..

I didn’t know what to do.. I was shocked, confused, sleep deprived. A few hours later, her cremation took place. I can never forget that scene. A body catching on fire.. 100s of doctors.. 100s of babaas.. millions of prayers and an end like this?

I stood in front of that pyre for a long time.. thinking hard..  and I couldn’t understand what we were doing.. and then it hit me.. it was all a show. it was all a show and we were all actors.. acting out for society, for each other and for ourselves. It was all closure.. mann ki tassalli. What does it matter to a dead person whether we applied the sindoor right or not.. whether the fruits were at the right place or not.. it was all for our own benefit.. to drive it in our minds.. that yes, she really is gone.. accept it and let her go.. I realized for the first time the things I really care about in life.. the people.. the work.. what I want.. what I need.. It all came as a wave of enlightenment and I absorbed it like a dry sponge. You may call me selfish.. but well that’s what you think!

We all came home.. I went to take a bath and came back to see everyone busy in talking and reminiscing..  but I don’t know why.. I was feeling very bad.. afraid I guess.. I didn’t wanna talk about it.. about her.. or anything related to her..

Tried to contact a friend.. another friend.. but I guess everyone’s busy in their own lives.. Mind you, I’m not blaming them.. just jo baat dimaag mein thi wo bol raha hun..

Anyway.. I guess I just wanted to get all this out.. cleanse my mind or something.. I don’t know.. So here I am.. writing.. cuz what else can I do?

I hope the times get better.. for my family.. and for me.. hell.. I’ve hardly got anything going for me.. but that’s another post… bye for now..

#27 – Your favourite teachers

Respected Teachers,

1. Sir, you were the best teacher I ever had.. without a doubt. I’ve always hated studying geography except for the year you taught it to us. In fact I still kind of like some aspects of it just because you taught it to us.. I’ve not forgotten my 8th class geography lessons even now.. You were the epitome of coolness to us..

2. What can I say mam.. you knew how to command respect without having to raise your voice. I still remember I had a bad dream about you during my holidays when I got to know that you were gonna be our class teacher in 8th. I guess there’s nothing else to write really.

3. We took too much liberty with you. I remember how we used to force you into teaching us biology and chemistry when you were our environmental studies teacher. You were like a friend and a guide to us.. thank you for being there.

4. Sir. I know we hated each other’s guts. You, because I didn’t take my duties as head boy seriously.. and me.. well you just have that fukra air around you. But your speaking skills are beyond good. I still call you the Antony of our school..and even though we didn’t like each other, I still learnt many lessons from and because of you, which have helped me in adapting to this world. So, I guess this is kind of a thank you.

5. This is to my maths tution teacher. You told me about ntse, iit, kota.. everything. I still cherish your opinion. You always believed that I can do something great.. and how can I forget all those endless discussions we had.. i guess you played a part in introducing me to the real world.. so thank you for being there.

P.S. This is an apology to all those teachers I might have forgot to mention but still had an effect on my life.. thanx for everything…

P.P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

#26 – The last person you made a pinky promise to

Dear person I made a promise to,

I try my best.. yet I always fail. Just so you know, I’m trying my best this time..

Your friend

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

#25 – The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Dear person going through the worst of times,

I can’t imagine the pain you must be experiencing. The truth is, I don’t even want to imagine. A certain death looming over one’s head must be a daunting experience.. I don’t even know how I’d take it. I’m so pathetic that I don’t even have the guts to face you and talk to you. What can I say to a person awaiting his death? I guess I can just say my best wishes are always with you.. may you get relieved from your suffering soon…

Your well wisher…

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

#24 – The person that gave you your favourite memory

Dear kutton,

Thanx for all the fun times we had in and out of school..the trips, standing 30 minutes outside the school gate everyday, parties, matches.. everything

I’ll never forget you guys..

Mujhe bhi yaad rakhna kamino!

HB

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

#23 – Your future child

Wow this tag is getting annoying.. I haven’t kissed anyone yet, so I’m just gonna change this one too.. And the credit for the idea of this one also goes to Sameer.

Dear future child,

You don’t exist. Now don’t be mad. Let me explain.

Something I’ve come to realize in some time is that people have kids for selfish reasons. Whether it be for society’s sake, their family’s sake or just because they want something to play with.

See, the world is not a good place. You gotta struggle to make something of your life. You have to face challenges, go through nightmarish hardships, and at the end of it all, it’s all for nothing. Some people’ll say that that’s what makes life worth living, but I say fuck them! they haven’t died yet, what do they know what happens after death? Nothing is going to matter after death. Absolutely zilch, zero.. No matter what you accomplish, it won’t matter. So why do we do it you ask? Cuz we were born.. and we have to pass time somehow!

Anyway, so I don’t really want you to exist so I don’t have to be guilty of bringing another soul into this world going through life unnecessarily for my own, or my family’s selfish reasons.

Another thing is, that if you had to be born, you’ll get some bad bad genes from me..cuz I have as much a chance of sleeping with a good looking girl, as donkeys have of writing poetry. So, believe me when I tell you, my genes are shitty. We have obesity, heart disease, diabetes, bone disease, and now even cancer running in the family. Also, I have a short height, chubby hands [can't play guitar easily].. and on and on and on.. you get the point.. you won’t be so happy to be my kid.

Have fun not existing I guess!

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

#22 – Your future wife

Dear Future Wife,

I can’t guess how we ended up being married. There are a lot of implausibilities going around here.

First you’d have to be pretty. Then I’d have to have a nerve to actually talk to you. Then you’d have to have the nerve to actually like me.. cuz I know it ain’t easy. Then I’d have to be ready to actually get married, cuz I really don’t believe in the idea. I mean live-in is awesome.. but marriage? maybe I do get to that point some day.

So, if we went past all those issues and still ended up together, wow! Great going us!

Or maybe I succumbed to the ridiculousness that is arranged marriage. I mean, desperation can lead a man to a man doing some very idiotic things, can’t it? So yeah, if we are arranged marriage, please please don’t play those emotional games and try to control me.. or I’ll just commit suicide and leave you nothing.. I get depressed very easily.

So, that’s all I gotta say for now.. Love ya [hopefully ]

Your personal servant…

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.

P.P.S. So, the 22nd one was actually “Someone you want to give a second chance to”. But frankly, I haven’t lived very long yet and haven’t been in the position of “not giving someone a chance” so rather than wasting a letter, I’ve decided to change the receiver.. all courtesy for this idea goes to Sameer [who was also doing the tag]. Anyway.. here goes..

#21 – Someone you judged by their first impression

Someone I judged by their first impression,

I’ve always tried not to judge anyone by their first impression. But if I have done something so unfair to you, forgive me.

P.S. This is the part of a 30 day letter tag.. For more information, go here.